'Desirability is a conundrum,' writes miamarket. 'Sometimes, all I want is for every person who has ever lived to tell me I am gorgeous. Other times, I feel like if I am in any way observed, I will commit arson'
make possible. And I know that all that sucks, but I still want to feel like I have a full bank account of an ass.
My need for external validation is further complicated by the fact that I don’t know how to feel sexy without also feeling sexualized. I don’t believe my husband when he says I look okay, but I absolutely don’t want my male coworkers to imply they like how I look. When Riley says I look okay, I don’t believe him because, like a mother or an enchanted mirror, heto say that. If he doesn’t, our marriage just automatically gets annulled.
When a man I don’t have any relationship with comments on the way I look, it feels more sinister than sweet. A reminder that the way I look comes with a preamble of sexual connotations I cannot control.your entire life. It’s a statement to be silent about your appearance when the world has been screaming about your hair, your face, your eyebrows, your feet, your armpits, your ass, your chest, your weight, your proportions, your striations, your various cuts of meat.
I know I don’t have a realistic sense of how I look to other people. I have wondered if half my face looks more Asian than the other and which of those halves is my “good side.” I’ve wondered whether the way I look will always come with an addendum about my race. I am pretty for a half-Asian girl. I shouldn’t put my hair in a tight bun because it makes my eyes look … well,. I am exotic. I am foreign. I am front and center of your corporate photo shoot because, at best, I am ambiguous.
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