Do you ever feel like you’re putting in everything you've got, but are not experiencing the growth you want?
“Now I’m constantly doubting myself and feeling like I don’t have what it takes to be successful.” I know why their confidence is on the line. Many years ago, I decided to do postgraduate psychological research on women’s confidence because I was pained to see competent and conscientious women—the kind we desperately need in senior positions in our organizations and institutions—playing small, perfecting, pleasing, and proving themselves in jobs they’d already earned.
Here's what I found: there are two types of high confidence. And the one most of us have is “fragile” because it is dependent on success and approval in some area of our lives. For many highly potential women, the area is work. Their inability to give themselves a break, their extreme standards that can drive employees to burnout, their tendency toward micro-management and control are all signs that they’re desperately avoiding failure and criticism—including their own—because it points to a perceived inadequacy or shame.The good news is that optimal confidence—the healthy version of high confidence that fuels growth, success and fulfillment—is a buildable construct and not an elusive quality. It is also directly related with authenticity, and almost every woman wants the clarity and courage to be more of who she is. And so the way out of the stuck-ness is the way in to your sources of power. It is not more pushing, more perfection, more proving. Instead, it is finding the sweet core of your being and the work that brings you alive, and then building systems to pursue it more consistently. So today, begin by giving yourself permission to notice what’s actually important. What fills your heart? What spurs you in a state of flow? What feels energizing and where does perfection feel “right”? It’s an indication that you’re being true to yourself because you’re striving for excellence. You can take it one step further. Grab a sheet of paper and make a list of all the things you would love to have in your life. Think about your energy, creativity, purposeful work, key relationships, community, spiritual life… Write out an ideal day that fills you with joy and meaning. And if you hear that judge-y voice we all have that mocks what you love, or tries to convince you that your aspirations are impractical, set it aside for now. There will be plenty of time to analyze your longings and balance them with what makes sense in your situation.
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