Here's an age-by-age guide for white parents to addressing racism and privilege with their children.
Babies also pick up cues from their surroundings, like the people they see in their communities. “Things like where you choose to live and send your child to daycare and school will influence how they think about race,” said Erin Winkler, an associate professor of African and African Diaspora Studies at the University of Wisconsin–Milwaukee.
“Of course, it’s a hard thing to tell parents to pick up and move, but it’s important to recognize the power of these choices we make about the environment they’ll be in.” She also emphasized the importance of creating a home environment that exposes infants to diversity, whether it’s through board books with characters of color, artwork in the house or even the people invited over.As babies develop into toddlers and preschoolers, parents should continue modeling unbiased behavior and exposing their children to diversity, TV shows, food and other aspects of everyday life. They can also have conversations about race tied to the media kids are consuming or people they see around them. Around the ages of 3 or 4, many children remark on race or ethnicity-related differences they notice, like skin tones or hair types. Bigler noted that these observations may imply bias or may be more neutral . White parents should resist the urge to hush or dismiss these comments, which are developmentally understandable. Instead, they should normalize talking about race and respond in a calm, matter-of-fact way. “In response to children’s statements, use the opportunity to explain the racial differences that your child has noticed ― including what such differences do and do not mean ― and state your own personal views on the trait,” she advised parents. She added, “In the first case, you might say, ‘That man is African American, and his hair is not weird. His hair is different than yours, but I think that it is really great! People often have hair like others in their family. You have hair like your ____. But people’s hair doesn’t tell you anything about them! Sometimes people with curly hair like to play with cars and sometimes they don’t! Sometimes people with straight hair are friendly and sometimes they are not!’” Young children benefit from learning about differences and similarities between various individuals. Preschoolers are starting to understand that people are complex and unique, so if they’re alike in one way, they’re not necessarily alike in all ways. And if they’re different in one way, like skin color, they’re not necessarily different in all other ways. “In response to children’s statements, use the opportunity to explain the racial differences that your child has noticed ― including what such differences do and do not mean ― and state your own personal views on the trait.”If a child points out that another child has darker skin, Hollier recommended that parents speak positively about differences but also point out something the two children have in common, like “Look, she loves riding her bike, too!” “It is equally important to talk about how those differences may cause them to experience life differently,” Hollier noted. Parents can explain something that little kids may have noticed already, that people with darker skin are often treated less kindly than white people or have fewer opportunities and resources. They should frame the concept of racism in terms of unfairness, something that’s built into our society that people are still working to fix. Winkler shared an activity that can help young children understand the complexity of systemic racism. She calls it the “spider web” activity. “Give them string and ask them to weave and tangle it into a spider web. Then say, ‘Great, now untangle it,‘” she explained. “They’ll try for a few minutes and realize it’s difficult and not fun and give up. Explain that the unfairness against people with brown skin is a lot like this tangled web, and it’s been tangled up since before their mom was born, before their grandparents were born, even before their grandparents’ grandparents were born. Working to make society fair is really hard, like untangling the spider web. People have been untangling it for a long time, and you as a family can help untangle it even more.” Winkler added that kids can keep untangling their spider webs whenever they do something to promote racial justice, though parents may have to explain that untangling unfairness in society will take longer if they manage to finish.Research has shown that around the age of 5, white children generally associate positive traits like intelligence and kindness more with white people than with those of other racial groups. “Most children do not endorse extremely biased views but instead show consistent associations of whites with positive attributes,” Bigler said. “Children typically select white dolls, white friends, and activities that include predominately white children. Importantly, many white children in this age range become convinced that race is a taboo topic and that it is always inappropriate to admit that one notices or thinks about others’ racial group membership.”Parents should pay attention to race-related statements their children make and hear from others. To combat this, parents should pay attention to any statements or behaviors from their children that suggest bias. They should continue to choose racially diverse dolls and other toys for their children and expose them to books and shows that feature diverse characters. It’s also extremely important to foster conversation around differences to address the subtle messages they’re getting from media and everyday life. “When you are watching a show, discuss why certain groups often are portrayed in stereotypical roles with accents or dressed a certain way,” suggested Reena B. Patel, a licensed educational psychologist. “Ask them, ‘Are there certain groups who never get to be the hero in comic books and movies?’ Then discuss this further by sharing that some people get treated unfairly based on their skin color, culture or religion.” Bigler recommended explicitly acknowledging that racial diversity is a positive aspect in kids’ toys and media by saying things like “You have several dolls that are white. I think that it would be very nice to have dolls of other races as well. They are all beautiful!” Parents should also exhibit interest in nonwhite cultures and histories and expose their children to them as well. It’s important to encourage children to have an ethnically diverse group of friends by modeling cross-racial friendships, placing them in racially diverse contexts like summer camps and activities, and frequently noting the value of relationships with people of different backgrounds and interests.
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