Making mistakes is part of being human. The problem lies in how we respond to them.
Instead of having shame and regret, learn to make decisions and live with the consequences.Part of being human is making mistakes. None of us is immune to this. The problem, however, lies in how you evaluate the error. Some of us gain awareness of our errors by comparing our behavior to our own internal moral or ethical standards. Often, however, we discover the error of our ways when they are pointed out to us by others.
If you look at the story of Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden, God did not seem to be bothered by their standing around naked. And he did not want them to judge themselves for it, so he did not want them to partake of the apple, which gave them the knowledge of good and evil. Once they took a bite of the apple, they became ashamed of their “badness” and felt obligated to hide their nakedness.
Let’s say that you snap at your children and feel horrible about yourself. Engaging in a shame spiral about how bad you are is not the same as owning the poor behavior and committing to change it. Shame goes beyond taking ownership for a specific behavior and goes to criticism of your core nature and being. The negative emotions that result from this will likely make you feel “less than,” vulnerable, and.
Rather than engaging in this unproductive line of thinking, commit to a 2-minute after-action review.Ask yourself who was harmed and how, and see if you need to make amends.Look for triggers or other factors that initiated your behavior.Try to discern which were stronger right before you acted, the thoughts in your head or the strong emotions in your body.
See if the behavior you engaged in is part of a larger pattern and consider what you might need to do to change it.When you start thinking about it again, remind yourself that you already completed the 2-minute after-action review.It is important for this process that you have accurate data. But people who are shame-based notoriously exaggerate their shortcomings and give any data that supports their negative self-views undue weight.
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