Red's agony aunt Philippa Perry helps a reader understand her obsession with an emotionally unavailable man
A reader can't stop obsessively thinking about an emotionally unavailable man. He is a representation of old hurts that need to be addressed, says psychotherapist and Red's agony aunt Philippa Perry...was dysfunctional. His emotional unavailability and fear of commitment meant that his behaviour was often hurtful: lying, getting angry and defensive, making disrespectful comments about other women in front of me, and holding me at arm’s length.
The truth is, what I really want is for him to tell me I am the love of his life and for us to live happily ever after. I don't understand why I feel this way when our relationship wasn't great. How do I forget about this man, when I really don't want to have to?'This man is probably not this man. This man is probably an old wound from your past, someone who apparently adored the socks of you, yet somehow never came through.
It’s like your psyche has unfinished business and, if only you could get this man to step up, it would heal all those past hurts and rejection. That’s what you want, but realistically you know it isn’t going to happen; even if it did, he would definitely fall short.
Now, I might be barking up the wrong tree, but whatever tree you are up right now, train yourself to climb down it and find another to scale. You can train yourself like a lab rat if you think it would work – wear an elastic band on your wrist; when you catch yourself yearning for this man, snap the elastic and pat yourself on the back for noticing it.
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