When partners have mismatched sex drives, it can lead to frustration and tension. This article explores the reasons behind desire discrepancies, how to communicate about them openly, and strategies for finding a healthy middle ground.
Welcome to Doing It, a column where sex educator Varuna Srinivasan explores the deep connections between sex and emotions. This month, they answer one of our readers' top questions: What do I do if my partner and I have different libidos? If you have a question or story idea for Dr. Srinivasan, submit it here. Jazmine noticed a mismatch in sex drives between her and her partner about three months into a relationship that was otherwise going well.
“Coming down from the initial 'honeymoon' phase, I was still quite eager but my partner's desire seemed to diminish,” the 27-year-old student says. “This difference created a bit of a rift. I felt frustrated, while he felt pressured.' Jazmine’s experience is far from unique. When Allure recently sent out a survey to readers asking what they wanted to see covered in this column, some variation of “My partner and I have mismatched sex drives—what do I do?” was the most frequently asked question. According to Kate Manser, a licensed professional therapist who specializes in relationship counseling, experiencing a mismatch when it comes to sexual desire in your relationship is so normal, it should be expected. “Many couples fear sexual desire discrepancy as if it’s the grim reaper for their relationship,” Manser says. “Yet, in my experience, rare is the relationship that has two people perfectly synced with their sexual arousal and desire.” It’s so common that there’s even an official name for it: Sexual desire discrepancy (or SDD, a term first coined by sex therapists in 1980) is when two people in an intimate relationship experience varying levels of desire. This might be something you notice from the jump, or it could be something that develops over time. It's also normal for a person's sexual desire to grow and evolve through the course of a relationship; our libido is constantly fluctuating not just over the course of our life but on a day to day basis. Just because you’re currently the partner with a higher sex drive doesn’t mean that that will always be the case. About a year ago, in a story for this column called How I Deal With Having Low Libido, I got pretty candid about the sex drive mismatch I experienced in my own relationship. After I started taking a new SSRI, it felt like my libido was in the tank. There were a couple of rough months during my relationship where it just felt like my partner and I were never on the same page. Certified holistic sex therapist Emily Fitzpatrick explains that sexual desire is influenced by multiple factors including stress, medications, and hormones. This can manifest as just not being in the mood, but it can also have physical effects that might make sex more difficult. When stress, hormones, or medications impact lubrication or cause erectile tissue, partners might mistake this for a lack of desire which, understandably, might lead to some hurt feelings. To make things more complicated, there might not always be a clear cause for one partner’s lowered libido. Kiana, a 26-year-old artist from NYC, first noticed the mismatch in sex drives between her and her partner about a year into the relationship. “It took that long to notice the difference because we were long-distance,” she explains. Kiana decided to take her time before bringing this up with her boyfriend—time she used to figure out if having a low libido was her new normal or a one-off phase. “Truthfully, I don't even think my partner noticed the mismatch in sex drives until I chose to have a conversation with them about it, which turned out to be quite tense,” she says. While a mismatch in libidos itself is usually not considered a problem or a clinical condition that requires a diagnosis, it still warrants an investigation if it's causing some level of emotional distress in one or both individuals—which I’d guess is likely to be the case for anyone reading this story. Ahead, some tips for how to identify the source of a libido mismatch, how to communicate about it with a partner, and ways to find a healthy middle ground. Prioritize Communication Unfortunately, there is no magic wand (pun intended) that will make your libido differences vanish in a puff of glittery smoke. Many of you might be dismayed to learn that the best way to work through a problem in a relationship is to actually talk about it and come up with boundaries and compromises that align with both of your needs. It can be uncomfortable and awkward, but figuring out why the discrepancy exists in the first place is crucial, and that involves having conversations (both with each other and with yourselves) about how each partner views sex and how desire shows up in their relationship. Even if it's clear that one person is struggling with sexual difficulties like erectile dysfunction or hyposexual desire disorder, it’s still important for both members of the partnership to work together to figure out what works for the
SEXUAL DESIRE LIBIDO RELATIONSHIP COUNSELING COMMUNICATION COMPROMISES
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