It can feel insensitive — and even morbid — but there are tactful ways to start the process
If you’re ready to have the decluttering conversation with your parents, pose questions in a neutral manner: Have you ever thought about downsizing? After my 91-year-old grandfather died, it took my mom three years to sort through the mountain of paperwork and memorabilia that he’d amassed over seven decades with my grandmother.
“They visit Mom and Dad, feel overwhelmed and then start the process mentally on their own,” she says. “Instead, it’s much better to express interest in what your parents think and feel about downsizing.” Jennifer Collie, a senior associate at Pfeffer Torode Architecture who specializes in aging in place, recommends identifying each family member’s role and level of involvement in the project from the outset to help establish boundaries and not overwhelm the parents. “Empower your parents to lead on scope, pace and goal setting,” she advises. “Parents may prefer to simply advise what is and is not fair game to purge.
Lavretsky suggests turning organizing into a group activity by having a “ceremony of a spring or winter cleaning” to get rid of old memories to clear space for new ones. “Or consider setting a simple program of decluttering by getting rid of portions of stuff at a time,” she adds. For things that may be valuable — or for parents with a higher volume of belongings — it’s often helpful to bring in an estate expert who can take items to auction or sell them online.
While you’ll no doubt be pleased — even touched — to inherit some items, the awkward part comes when your mom or dad tries to send you home with something you really don’t want. Though navigating these situations can be tricky, Fisher suggests gently telling the truth, rather than accepting the item only to donate it later on yourself.
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