“It is important to remember that [beauty] standards aren’t the truth about beauty.”
, a licensed marriage and family therapist who specializes in sex therapy, emotional intelligence, and social justice. “They exclude people of color, people with disabilities, fat people, people who are living in poverty or have low income, people over middle age, and anyone who doesn’t fit the current trends and social norms.” In the context of social justice, she says, this is called “the politics of desirability.”and oppression.
So what do you do about this? I can give you general advice, like “try as hard as you can to find a friend group who accepts you,” and I will also remind you that having a boyfriend will not magically solve all problems, from personal insecurities to societal bias. But I also got advice from Francis and two other relationship experts — all of whom, being Black women themselves, can viscerally relate to what you’re going through.
My home growing up was filled with Black art and, living in a world that was essentially devoid of other Black imagery, this was a crucial element of my development of self. Attracting love always starts with self-love, and when Marie can see beauty herself in Black culture, she will be able to attract someone who appreciates who she is, including and not in spite of, her Black identity.
I know it is hard not to compare ourselves to our friends, especially when they have things we want as well, but I urge you to continue to find ways to celebrate yourself. Make space to feel your feelings honestly. Feeling left out is uncomfortable, and is often a mix of feelings of disappointment, frustration, sadness, and jealousy. All of these are normal. Be gentle with yourself.
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