During hard conversations or challenging moments in a relationship, we can show up—or we can flee. If you find yourself too often doing the latter, these experiments could help.
. Our brains interpret these emotions as signs of potential danger. Our survival system goes on alert.
So, let’s say you want to get better at this. What can you do to increase your chances of success when you decide to go for it?. Take your time. The pace of most conversations barely allows us to exchange information, much less to sort through all the complex reactions and interactions. Things move fast, often without pauses or silences. And when we get emotional, we speed up—the opposite of what is needed.
Develop the habit of asking for a brief pause. Get comfortable with brief silences where you each can connect to your experience.In the attempt to protect ourselves, we close. This, of course, does not protect us and instead makes things worse. Many of the failures to connect in these vulnerable moments happen when we approach our partner with a closed heart and a closed mind.
Bring your awareness to the present. Take a few slow breaths. On the in-breath, let yourself feel the discomfort, yours and your partner’s. On the out-breath, let yourself feel compassion, caring without judgement, for this discomfort.You may be thinking: I don’t know how to do this; I’m afraid; it’s risky. Yes, indeed, and we could add uncomfortable, messy, complicated, and sometimes time-consuming. And yet, it is the best shot you’ve got at the connection you crave.
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