How Love, Antosha Helped Me Find Closure in the Loss of My First Love

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How Love, Antosha Helped Me Find Closure in the Loss of My First Love
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'Anton Yelchin is known to most as Chekov from Star Trek and Charlie from Charlie Bartlett, but to me, he was my first love.'

, but to me, he was my first love. We met at school in the San Fernando Valley in 2001; Anton was 11, and I was 12. We naturally gravitated toward one another and became fast friends. He welcomed me into his friendship circle with open arms, and our relationship quickly turned into a young romance. We would talk on our parents’ landlines every day until they’d kick us off and play games online whenever we both had dial-up available.

Later that year, Anton was filming in Vancouver and had been gone for what felt like months when we agreed over the phone to just be friends. It was a calm, understanding, rational conversation and mutual decision. Most kids might feel uncomfortable and avoid each other at school, but when Anton returned from filming, we were closer than ever.At 14, my first summer job was walking distance from Anton’s house at a country club where he became a frequent visitor.

In 2006, I graduated a year ahead of Anton, and we slowly lost touch. Every now and then I’d search for him on social media, but I knew his account would be under a pseudonym, so I never tried very hard. In mid-June of 2016, I was working as a photo producer in L.A. when I discovered Anton’s photography Instagram account. His work was beautiful; I followed him right away and beamed at the thought of reconnecting with him.

On June 19, 2016, I was producing a shoot in Las Vegas when I got a notification that read “Anton Yelchin, ‘Star Trek’ Actor, Dies at 27 After His Car Pins Him Against Mailbox at L.A. Home.” I collapsed on set and felt myself shatter inside. I attended his funeral and visited him regularly at Hollywood Forever Cemetery, but I was far from reconciling losing someone at such a young age who always felt destined to remain in my life.

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