Two months of apartment hunting taught me some valuable lessons.
Reader, I did not want the link. I would do anything not to get the link, so I asked Kisha if I could submit a criminal history instead, which I would be happy to get to secure such a great deal. She said okay, but I still had to click the link. I asked her to fax me the link instead, along with a list of which crimes I would need to commit. The last message I received from her was, “sorry no.” It turns out I would never eat at the farmhouse table alongside those successful and wonderful women.
I called Lewis back and asked him a few questions. Did he live in the city? Yes. What neighborhood? He replied “the eastside,” like a real San Francisco human. Next, he texted me a Rently link that he said would supply a lockbox code. In a moment of reckless desperation, I clicked the link, which listed the rent as a much more realistic $2,600. Lewis explained that the room was discounted due to COVID-19, and I explained that he’s a little late on that, but okay.
I read the prompt aloud and mild-mannered Lewis became frantic. He was not trying to scam me, he affirmed. I didn’t have to worry, the apartment belonged to him — he is James, the owner of the apartment — and I can trust him. I then reminded him that an hour ago, his name was Lewis. Fast on his feet, my potential landlord clarified that his name was … Lewis James. I hung up, standing in the rain outside an apartment that would never be mine.
After nearly two months of this rinse-and-repeat pattern of imposterlords, I should know better. Maybe it’s just naivete, a cheap streak, or that I’ve had dumb apartment luck in the past, but I do believe that deals still exist in the city. Up until the day I sent my deposit for a basement in-law unit that only scores a 2.5 on the 10-point Dungeon Scale, I was still emailing Kisha to try to score that uncommon deal.
As for my friend Lewis James, it seems that he hasn’t had much luck finding a tenant. A month after our initial exchange, I texted him back to check on the Treat Avenue apartment. He quickly responded that it was still available. I’m happy to share his phone number with anyone who is interested — all I require in return is a quick credit check, and a list of crimes you’re willing to commit.
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