“Once you ground yourself in reality, and dare to give some love to your true, broken self, then you can finally approach the world as you are”
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I decided recently to make a big change and relocate to a town where I have a network, but a much smaller one. I got my own apartment and get to work from home. I think spending a lot more time by myself will make me happier and allow me to embark on what I know will be the really difficult work rebuilding myself. My first order of business is to find a therapist I can see regularly.
I honestly have no idea where to start or how to change and be more open. How do I begin to trust a world full of people who have always disappointed me? How can I become someone I wholeheartedly think I’m not? Realizing how deeply fucked I am at age 29 after being in denial for my entire life makes me feel like I’m standing at a fork in the road, where one path leads to a pit of snakes and the other to a jagged cliff.
Notice how hard you try to keep people around. It might look desperate to you now, but that kind of concern for connection lives inside of you and it’s beautiful. Notice how hard you had to scramble, to make yourself seem whole when you didn’t feel whole. Those efforts might look weak to you now, but you picked up a lot of skills and a little magic in those efforts. Notice how fast you had to run away from anyone who might recognize that you were broken.
In contrast, it is exceptionally difficult to feel connected or close to other people when you’re sure that your value is conditional. You can spend decades in this state, and the more energy you put into keeping other people happy, the more convinced you become that no one is dependable and no one loves you for you. That doesn’t mean that you haven’t withstood abuse or tolerated selfish friends.
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