Many couples think they are arguing about chores, money, or parenting. Often the real conflict is something else entirely: the need to win.
Power struggles often arise when partners feel their competence or respect is being questioned.Repair strengthens trust because it restores the sense that partners remain on the same side.When Jasmine and Luke met, they admired many qualities in each other that later became sources of friction.
Jasmine was organized, articulate, and thoughtful about decisions. As a public school teacher who had worked hard to become the first person in her family to graduate from college and get a graduate degree, she took pride in thinking things through carefully. Luke, who ran a small construction business, valued practicality, efficiency, and spontaneity. He had built his company from the ground up and trusted his instincts about how to seize opportunities and solve problems quickly. In the early years of their relationship, the differences felt complementary. Jasmine appreciated Luke’s ability to act decisively when she was still weighing options. Luke appreciated Jasmine’s careful thinking and her ability to anticipate complications he might have overlooked. Together they felt balanced and often said to each other that they were a strong team.and two children, however, the pace of family life had introduced a different dynamic. Evenings were busy, weekends were crowded with errands and sports practices, and small decisions seemed to carry more weight than they once had. Under such pressures, the traits that once felt stabilizing occasionally began to collide.One evening, an argument began over something ordinary. Luke had agreed to pick up their son from basketball practice, but traffic delayed him, and Jasmine had to leave a meeting early to get there herself. When Luke arrived home later that night, Jasmine mentioned it while they were cleaning up the kitchen. She explained that she had needed to leave work earlier than expected and that it had disrupted the end of her day. Luke immediately began explaining the traffic pattern that had slowed him down. Jasmine responded by pointing out that leaving 10 minutes earlier might have avoided the problem.By the time the conversation ended, neither of them felt heard. Luke felt criticized and talked down to. Jasmine felt dismissed and frustrated that the point she was trying to make had been lost entirely.decisions. Other times they involved money or scheduling. Each time, however, the conversation seemed to follow a familiar pattern. The topic that started the discussion quickly faded into the background, replaced by a subtleMany couples recognize this moment, although they rarely name it directly. What began as a conversation quietly becomes a debate, or what we call a power struggle.The turning point for Jasmine and Luke came during a similar argument a few weeks later. As the discussion escalated, Jasmine suddenly noticed that neither of them was actually listening anymore. They were both waiting for the other person to stop speaking so they could deliver their next point.Instead of continuing, she paused the conversation and said something that surprised them both. She told Luke that their conversations had started to feel like competitions rather than attempts to understand each other., involves slowing down the interaction long enough to recognize what is happening in real time. Without that interruption, couples often continue arguing about surface issues while the deeper shift into debate or competition makes the original concern increasingly invisible. The discussion begins to feel like a win-or-lose exchange rather than an effort to understand each other. Once Jasmine named the pattern, Luke recognized it as well. He admitted that he often entered such discussions feeling as though he needed to defend himself before Jasmine had even finished speaking.Accountability required both of them to examine how they contributed to the pattern. Jasmine realized that her habit of explaining things thoroughly sometimes sounded like correction rather than. Luke realized that his quick defensiveness often prevented him from hearing what Jasmine was actually trying to say. Both of them acknowledged that they sometimes spoke to each other in an accusatory manner, using phrases such as “You do this…” that intensified tension.Neither of them intended to dominate the conversation. Yet both had been reacting to feelings of disrespect and dismissal in ways that escalated the conflict. Accountability allowed them to shift the focus away from proving who was right and toward understanding how their reactions were reinforcing the pattern.Once the pattern became visible, the next step was collaboration. Instead of asking who had handled the pickup situation correctly, they began asking what had happened between them during the argument itself. They noticed that both of them cared deeply about competence and respect. Jasmine wanted her concerns to be taken seriously. Luke wanted to feel trusted in the decisions he made. When either of these needs felt threatened, the conversation quickly turned defensive. Collaboration meant recognizing that they were not opponents in the argument. They were partners trying to understand how a pattern had developed between them.They began experimenting with small adjustments. When a disagreement emerged, they tried describing what they were feeling before offering explanations or solutions. Luke practiced listening without immediately defending himself. Jasmine practiced expressing concerns without framing them as corrections. They both tried to speak from the position of “I.” The changes were modest, but they altered the tone of their conversations. Arguments became shorter and less intense because the goal of the interaction had shifted. Instead of winning the point, they focused on understanding each other’s perspectives on the topic.Over time, Jasmine and Luke noticed that disagreements no longer carried the same emotional charge. The issues themselves did not disappear. Parenting decisions, schedules, and finances still required discussion. What changed was theirReset represents the stage in which partners experience renewed stability after repair. Trust grows not because conflict disappears but because both partners believe the relationship can withstand disagreement without turning it into a contest.Many couples believe their biggest arguments are about practical matters such as chores, money, or parenting decisions. In reality, the conflict often includes something more relational: respect, competence, and the need to feel heard. When conversations turn into competitions, connection quickly erodes. The goal of the interaction shifts from understanding to victory. Recognizing that shift is the first step toward changing it. Learning to pause, take accountability, collaborate, experiment with new responses, and reset together allows couples to transform arguments from power struggles into opportunities for deeper understanding.Don't miss an update! Get posts from Mark B. Borg, Jr, Ph.D., and Haruna Miyamoto-Borg LCSW direct to your inboxFind a Relationship Issues TherapistSelf Tests are all about you. Are you outgoing or introverted? Are you a narcissist? Does perfectionism hold you back? Find out the answers to these questions and more with Psychology Today.
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