Many people respond to their own mistakes with harsh self-blame. Learning the difference between accountability and blame can change how you treat yourself after you fall short.
Many people treat themselves far more harshly than they would treat a friend.Your good friend Trish calls you upset. “I’m such an idiot,” she says. “I was in a huge hurry to get to a meeting at work, so I backed out of the driveway really fast. I wasn’t paying, and I ran right over the mailbox. It destroyed the mailbox and put a huge dent in the back bumper of my car. I’m such a moron!”“Trish, you’ve lived in that house for 10 years. Had you not noticed where the mailbox is? What a dolt!”“Trish, don’t talk like that. Everybody makes mistakes. Don’t be so hard on yourself!” I’m willing to bet that you would say the second option because you would never be as hard on your friend as she is on herself.
Now imagine yourself in Trish’s place. How angry would you be at yourself for making this mistake? What would you say to yourself?These are comments that many fine people say to themselves when they make mistakes. These kind and caring people would never say anything like that to a friend, a child, a spouse, or anyone, for that matter. Let’s see how the above comments come across when directed outward at another person, rather than at oneself. Imagine saying these sentences to a friend.
Imagine the damage these comments would do to your friend or spouse, and to your relationship with them. That is the damage that you are doing to yourself when you say these things to yourself. There’s a particular group of people who are more prone to treating themselves so harshly: those who were raised with If you were raised by a parent who ignored you and/or your mistakes , you didn’t get to internalize a parent’s voice of compassionate responsibility.holding yourself accountable for your misstep while also having compassion for yourself. Keep in mind that responsibility is not the same as blame.
“Everyone makes mistakes sometimes. Let’s figure out what you did wrong here and how to prevent this mistake in the future. Let’s learn from this mistake. Then we’ll let go of it and move on.”From these few short sentences, this fortunate child is learning the vital life lessons that make up compassionate responsibility. She is learning how to keep her own mistakes in perspective: that her mistakes are not the end of the world and that everyone makes them. She is learning that it is possible to learn from her mistakes and that there is no point in dwelling on them. Beyond that, she is internalizing her mother’s voice. Over time, it will become her own. Then it will talk her through all of the mistakes that she will make throughout her life. You can see that there is no blame involved here. If you were raised by a parent who, for whatever reason, was not able to provide you with this even, reasonable, accountable yet forgiving voice, you may have to develop it for yourself as an adult. Here are some tips to help you:
Track it by recording each negative, blaming comment you make. Start a special list on your phone, on your computer, or on a piece of paper, and try to catch yourself each time. Awareness is the first step to changing it.Strive to have the same compassion for yourself that you have for the other people in your life. Imagine that someone you care about made the same mistake you just made. What would you say to them? That’s what you should say to yourself.When you make a mistake, make a conscious effort to talk yourself through it. What can I learn from this? How can I prevent this in the future? Then put the mistake behind you and move on.To determine whether you might be living with the effects of childhood emotional neglect, you can take the free Emotional Neglect Questionnaire. You'll find the link in my bio.Find a Relationship Issues TherapistSelf Tests are all about you. Are you outgoing or introverted? Are you a narcissist? Does perfectionism hold you back? Find out the answers to these questions and more with Psychology Today.
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