Here's what works way better than forcing your kid to say sorry
, or do the many other undesirable things they do as they’re learning to respect other people’s possessions and bodies.
“They might offer an apology that contains excuses or blame-shifting . Or their apology might involve conditional language, which shifts the focus to the person harmed . Or it might be so vague or cursory as to be meaningless ,” says Edwin Battistella, PhD, a professor of linguistics at Southern Oregon University and the author ofA real apology, however—whether the person delivering it is an adult or a child—needs to contain an acknowledgement that you did something wrong.
“I would respond with, ‘We need to ask to share our things because our friends’ feelings can get hurt otherwise’, said Ellen Goldsmith, a licensed clinical social worker who specializes in children and adolescents. “It is always unwise to try to teach when we are angry or our children have difficulty hearing. We also can’t teach when we are embarrassed in front of others.
“Brainstorming with children can make for wonderful teaching moments. It helps to write or draw the options of how to potentially respond,” said Goldsmith. After apologizing, another way kids can make amends is by asking what they can do to help. For young kids, demonstrable ways of expressing their sincerity are especially satisfying. “Children learn by doing and hence a picture or note or hug can make all the difference. The same is true for us as adults too,” said Goldsmith.
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