“There's a huge difference between having very particular tastes and intense opinions and having to lecture other people about those tastes and opinions all the time.”
I have been best friends with “Mary” since we were 19—about nine years total. We met in college, where initially I thought she didn’t like me! This is probably because she has a contrarian personality—often critical of media, jokes, phrases, public figures, and cultural artifacts other people love—and won’t mince words when expressing that she dislikes something in the presence of those people.
She’s had this sort of taste since she was, like, 12. This has led some mutuals to voice that they find her standoffish or too cool. Mary IS cool, and also generous, intentionally kind, and the most excellent listener I’ve ever met, once she is out of her shell. She has taught me a lot about what it means to be a good friend. She has shown up for me every time I needed her to. Her tastes have influenced mine massively, and she likes my art genuinely. I’ve grown to see her sharpness, her ability to see where other people end and she begins, as some of her best qualities. In fact, it’s inspired me to limit some of my own people-pleasing tendencies. But here’s the thing: I’ve lived long enough to realize that one’s best qualities are also at least sometimes one’s most challenging qualities. Lately, I’ve been feeling a little tired of Emma undermining things I like—whether it’s a pair of funky shoes or a new indie film or an opinion about implementing our socialist politics. Sometimes she’ll contradict me about something mundane while with a group of friends, and I recoil into myself. I’ll wonder if I’m taking it too seriously or if she’s being a little socially ungraceful. Sometimes she contradicts me privately, and I’ll wonder—if we aren’t totally at odds, why can’t you just “yes, and” me? Is that too much to expect? I try to notice whether she’s doing this equally to everyone, but it’s hard to tell. It comes off stubborn, unwilling to consider that I might have a point. It creates an inhospitable environment for any type of conversation besides a debate, which I rarely want. Or a “well, agree to disagree,” which sounds formalistic and a little passive-aggressive. And I worry that if Isuddenly begin to go to bat for my opinions and tastes without explaining anything, it’ll throw her and others off. Either way, do you have any advice for whether and how to approach her about this? I’m struggling, because I don’t think her outspokenness and well-developed critique are always a bad thing!: I don’t like Mary. I just don’t. I hear that she’s generous and kind, but she’s a jerk! And I also think the LW is giving her way too much credit for being cool and having good taste. Who says her taste is better than anyone else’s?: That’s probably the co-dependency talking. I can see where this sort of person might be alluring at a distance, but if we’re at the point where even in private conversation Mary can’t turn off this contrarianism, then I wonder how good of a friendship this really is. The LW is already at the point where she’s investigating Mary’s interactions with other people to detect traces of assholishness. I’m here to say: that doesn’t even matter. What matters is how she treats the LW.: “I’ve lived long enough to realize that one’s best qualities are also at least sometimes one’s most challenging qualities” strikes me as something like “Relationships are hard work” that might have some truth to it, but that a person could also use to excuse being treated like shit.: Right. But she also talks about Mary’s generosity and kindness and willingness to listen to her. So there’s obviously something here, in their relationship, that the LW values. Which means it’s salvageable and that, if she knows Mary like she says she does, maybe that generosity and kindness will help her to understand that she doesn’t have to constantly antagonize her to maintain their friendship.: I hope so, but I also want to point out that “she has shown up for me every time I needed her to” is not true. Part of showing up for someone is how you respond when they say something in a group of friends. “No, you’re wrong, you have bad taste,” isn’t it. But anyway. What do you think she should say to Mary?: Lol. See, I knew you picked this question because it was reminiscent of a previous friendship that I had. Unfair!: Unfair again! My old friend actually had a lot of similar traits, down to showing up for me in difficult times BUT his indifference to my feelings about his behavior gradually took a toll, on our relationship and on me. Which is what seems like is happening there. And yeah, I do tend to think that’s where a lot of aggressive contrarianism and constant nitpicking comes from. Mary is trying to put the LW in her place, and establish dominance that she’s clearly unable to establish elsewhere.: Right, there’s a huge difference between having very particular tastes and intense opinions and having to lecture other people about those tastes and opinions all the time.: The LW is an artist! Unless Mary has a degree in art history or a career as an art critic, maybe she should chill out. But the LW has to make a choice, and it seems like a simple one: She has to confront Mary about this behavior, and tell her that it’s not working for her.
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