DearPrudie: I’m not sure how to balance my hurt feelings with the pandemic upending life.
I’m part of a pretty diverse group of friends. Some of us are closer than others, but we usually hang out as a group . Last year, one of the members, “Casey,” came out as trans. We weren’t super close, but we were friendly. A number of the group’s members are trans, including my best friend, “Matthew,” a trans man. Matthew offered to talk to Casey if they had any questions.
Back when we could still get together in-person, Casey would frequently lecture store clerks, waiters, and bartenders for accidentally calling them the wrong pronouns, while Casey was wearing a revealing dress, high heels, and a thick layer of makeup. Everyone in the group, trans and cis, feel super uncomfortable around Casey and don’t want to include them anymore. Casey was pretty high-maintenance already, and this kind of feels like an attention-getting stunt.
You don’t have to make a collective decision to shun him as a united front. In fact, I think you shouldn’t. If you don’t want to call him, don’t call him. If you don’t want to invite him to dinner, don’t invite him. If he behaves rudely and you want to say something about it, tell him he’s being a jerk and to knock it off. But you don’t have to base your rejection on the idea that he’s somehow using trans people to justify your dislike.
One other thought: I get that Casey’s relationship to transition doesn’t make much sense to you. But you’re not a stranger accidentally misgendering him. You know he uses male pronouns but decline to use them in your letter to me. Offering up “they/them” as if it’s some sort of compromise isn’t doing anyone any good. It’s not like ordering Coke and hearing “We don’t have Coke.
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