It's my turn.
Our advice columnists have heard it all over the years—so we’re diving into the Dear Prudence archives to share classic letters with our readers.My boyfriend of four years has been going through a rough time recently.
He quit his job a few weeks ago and claimed he wanted to use the time to “get himself back together.” He now stays up till 3 a.m. playing video games, eating fast food, and ordering gaming technology online. Before quitting his job, he went to one counseling session and hated the therapist, so he never went back. I’ve watched numerous couples who got together after us get engaged and married in the time we’ve been together; he says he wants to marry me, but there’s no ring in sight, and it’s depressing and stressful to come home to a grown-up baby. I’m getting fed up. He has one potential job lead and has been working on his résumé but there aren’t any other signs of progress. How can I give him a kick in the pants to get his life back on track?The only person one can reliably give an effective kick in the pants to is oneself. It’s important to separate for the time being the issue of your boyfriend’s unemployment and time management and the issue of your desire for commitment. If what you want is to be engaged to someone with a clear vision for the future and the ability to take active steps toward the things they want, then I think you should make that clear to your boyfriend—he’s not the only person with the power to get engaged in your relationship. If he seems content to keep your relationship exactly as it is, without any deeper commitment or planning for the future, then you two may not want the same things, and you should tell him that this is important enough to you that it would be worth ending your relationship over if you’re not on the same page. If that motivates him to do something different, that’s great. But I don’t think you would ultimately be happy with marriage to a man who had to be kicked in the pants in order to get there.Please keep questions short , and don‘t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication.I have a condition called polycystic ovary syndrome, which comes with highly irregular periods . Despite that, my husband and I have two wonderful children, and I felt that our family was complete after my second C-section. During that operation, I had a tubal ligation. I know that feminine sterilization is not 100 percent effective and can become less effective as time passes. I constantly worry that I am pregnant again when my period is late . I have put my body through two pregnancies and two C-sections, and both were very risky for my health. The thought of having another child causes panic attacks. To decrease my odds of getting pregnant again, I have asked my husband, repeatedly, to have a vasectomy. Hormonal birth control had horrible side effects for me, and he hates using condoms. I have rationally talked to him about how another pregnancy could endanger my health, our future, and our finances. I have explained that this procedure is simple, common, and has a very short recovery window . He refuses to even talk about why he doesn’t want one. I can’t stomach having sex with him until he’s on board with this. It’s all anxiety and no fun. A sex embargo doesn’t seem fair to him, but him putting all of the reproductive responsibility—and sucky side effects—on me also doesn’t seem fair. I’m not sure where to go from here.You’re at a difficult moment here, and I’m not sure what options are available to you without your husband at least being willing to talk to you about why he doesn’t want to have a vasectomy. I don’t think you should try to pressure yourself into having sex right now if it fills you with anxiety and dread. That’s not a “sex embargo”—sex isn’t a good that you manufacture for your husband as his wife—that’s you trying to deal honestly with your feelings of isolation and confusion. I think the thing that’s going to have to change is his willingness to talk honestly about sex, contraception, and his feelings with you. A therapist may help you in the meantime, even if he’s not willing to accompany you at first. If anyone reading has had a similar impasse in their marriage and found anything particularly helpful, please share what’s worked for you.I live in a one-bedroom cottage surrounded by large hedgerows with my sister. Both of us are retired and adore puttering around our garden—sometimes in the nude. We grew up in a nudist colony and have come back to our roots, so to speak.We had lived here three years without any conflict with our neighbors, until a new family moved in a few houses down with a pack of nasty little boys. They trespass everywhere, throw rocks at dogs, and spend most of their time screaming obscenities at the tops of their lungs. My sister has caught them several times using our backyard as a shortcut. They have trampled our flowers and broken our birdhouse. And I have seen them staring into our windows. My tranquility has been stolen—I am terrified that my sister and I will be spied on and possibly photographed. The parents are never at home; we tried going over there several times with no luck. My sister once caught the mother getting her mail and was brutally cut off when we tried to complain about her boys trespassing. Her children had a “right to run around outside,” and “boys act out.” We live on a fixed income and cannot afford the cheapest fence to enclose our property . My sister is furious and wants to call the police and child protective services on these neighbors. I am worried about escalating the dispute. What can we do? I feel trapped in my own home.I can understand your frustration and distress, but I think the most important thing to consider when calling child protective services—a fraught choice under any circumstances—is whether you genuinely believe that children are being profoundly neglected, or abused, and could be helped by state intervention. You say the boys’ parents aren’t often around, but not that you’ve seen any signs they’re going without food or care, so I don’t think you have sufficient justification to make that call. In your case, calling CPS would have more to do with attempting to control the boys’ behavior after their parents have declined to do so than trying to prevent abuse, and that’s not the answer here.Years Ago, My Husband Was in an “Adult Film.” It’s Only a Matter of Time Before Our Kids Find Out.Of course your concern about being spied on, having your garden trampled, or worrying about other mischief these boys could get up to in your yard is real and distressing. I don’t mean to suggest that you’re not quite right to feel deeply anxious. You’re not attempting to keep the boys from running around or even “being boys,” you want them to stay out of your private residences and to stop harassing your pets. It may help to speak to some of your other neighbors, if they’re experiencing the same problems, about approaching the boys’ parents as a group with their concerns. You could also tell the boys’ parents that you will file a report of trespassing with the police if the boys can’t leave your property alone. If you can’t afford a fence, you may wish to post a No Trespassing sign, if only so you can demonstrate that you’ve made a good-faith effort to limit your liability if and when you do file such a reportMy wife and I have been together for about four years, married for two. We have a good relationship, and I would say are generally a happy couple. Over the last year our physical relationship has been on the decline. We have talked about it, and she will agree to “make an effort,” but that will only last a week before things go back to the way they were. We’re both young, but we only have sex about once a month. Even when we do have sex, it feels like she is just not into it.
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