Prudie says: “You know I’m all for cutting people off when they’re terrible, but I also think people deserve a chance to stop being terrible first.”
My parents and I have a bit of a tepid relationship, and this is the best it’s ever been. My teenage years were particularly volatile, largely due to the fact I was hiding my sexuality from my two traditional Catholic parents.
Their increasing attempts to feminize me alongside my other spiraling physical and mental health issues caused so many issues between us. There are things I wish I wouldn’t have done or said to them, but often feel I had no choice but to essentially begin constructing a double life. One, where I got to be myself and explore who I was with the safety of friends, and the other where I did my best to negotiate both keeping myself alive and keep my family from finding out what I was doing. Now that I am an adult I have built myself a life based more on the things that make me happy and bring me my personal fulfillment, including things like dating women and keeping my hair no longer than my ears. I moved literally to the other side of the country to follow my academic and career dreams, I live with people who love and support me always, and my health overall has never been better. I quite literally have never been happier. Things are hard at times, of course—I am struggling financially at times due to the Shitstorm of the economy, and am currently unable to work full-time due to the fact I am attending school part-time for my master’s degree. Me and my partner largely break even every month but don’t have a lot extra left over and sometimes we do have to ask for a little extra cash to just see us through. My parents are both retired as of this year but are in good financial health and are more than willing to help us make ends meet.My parents love me, would give me shirts off their backs if it kept me alive and warm and healthy, but they don’t like me. In fact, it seems as if the happier I get and the more actualized in myself I become, the less they enjoy who I am. This particular Christmas, when I returned home to visit was particularly difficult to get through as a result of their disapproval of my sleeping habits. I don’t mean to rehash every petty argument, and I love my parents deeply, but I cannot see how this can continue. I cannot compromise myself for them and yet they refuse to acknowledge the ways their preconceived notions of how life should be led fundamentally are not compatible with the things that have brought me joy and stability. I want them in my life and I deeply appreciate all the help they give me, and want nothing more than to have a good relationship, but I cannot live like this anymore. Any advice at all in establishing a positive relationship with people who love you but cannot stand who you are?: I won’t lie—I chose this for the chat because I wanted to make sure I had help. I find the letter hard to answer, and I think I have an idea about why: There’s so much shared, and so much insight, but not a lot of detail to support the main claim or explain how that shapes the way they treat her. We know they fussed at her about her sleep habits, but that doesn’t feel super tied to the bigger story that’s being told. So I’m a bit lost.: When I read this letter, I slacked you immediately, “tbh, I am a little unsure what exactly this LW is asking, and I think she is too. Maybe she is just trying to articulate a really difficult feeling.” It sounds to me like she is trying to process something very hard; which is that her parents, despite their love, make her feel bad about herself. And I don’t know how much of that is an action item for advice-giving, and how much just needs acknowledging that this feeling really, really sucks.: The more I think about it, the more it becomes clear that maybe the issue isn’t that her parents don’t like who she is now—maybe it’s more that they didn’t give her the love and support she needed growing up, and have never been loving and accepting in the way they should have. And now that she has a wonderful partner and friends, the comparison is really hitting her and it hurts. They’re disappointing and she deserves better. Obviously, that’s the kind of thing you can spend a lot of therapy hours on? And talking to someone should be a part of dealing with the situation. But do you think there’s a place for her to talk to them and lay everything out on the table? What they did in the past, how it felt, how they’re treating her now, and what she wants from them?: Ooooof. I am letting out a huge sigh in a coffee shop right now. Maybe? I mean, you know me, I am the most “get it all out in the open” person around. And maybe she can say, “This is what hurt, this is how I have healed, and this is who I am. It might be hard for you to understand, but I need you to acknowledge who I am.” But … can her parents hear that? I really don’t know. Some people are able to hear that kind of thing—maybe with a therapist or facilitator providing support. Sometimes these conversations can bring results! Sometimes they are just things we say in our imaginations to people who apologize, also in our imaginations. What do you think?: I’m all for saying things in your imagination or writing a letter that never gets sent, especially when the gripe is with someone who really isn’t in your life anymore or has no reason to be accountable to you. But here, the LW is so upset about the way things are, and it feels like there’s not a lot to lose. I also wonder if there’s any chance the parents are clueless, saying to themselves “I wish we were closer to her but she has her new life now and she got so mad when we shared that thing we heard on that YouTube video we saw about how to get a good night’s sleep. Hopefully she needs some money this month because at least that means she’ll call!”Help! I Knew My Mother-in-Law Hated Me. But the Lie She’s Spreading About Me Now Is Unbelievable. Because of a Choice I Made Years Ago, My Ex-Husband Gets $2 Million If I Die. I Don’t Know How to Solve This. My Wife Asked My Permission to Sleep With Her Best Friend. I Thought My Saying No Would Be the End of It. Oh Boy. I don’t know. I understand that their attempts to feminize her were not cool. But if they were more misguided than cruel—or if the parents are willing to apologize—it seems like there might be some way to salvage a relationship. You know I’m all for cutting people off when they’re outright terrible, but I also think people deserve a chance to stop being terrible first.: So maybe give them the chance. I think you gotta be prepared for the blowback. As you know, my mother did not believe I had endometriosis when I was younger. I was in pain for a long time. And you know what? Once I had a diagnosis, my mom apologized. It meant so much to me. This is not the same,to be clear. But if LW is willing to take the risk, then I think go for it. She is in a lot of pain now, and it feels untenable. If she tries it, and they fuck up, then hey, cut them off. Or significantly limit contact. But I suppose there is nothing to be lost by articulating these feelings.
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