Shouts & Murmurs by Bob Odenkirk: Your first granddaughter was born three months ago. This happened on a Presidential-tweet-storm day, so you were preoccupied.
“GRAND CANYON GONE” The Grand Canyon collapsed and is no longer a canyon. It was some kind of earthquake-windstorm combination that caused the canyon’s sides to crumble and collapse in a great avalanche of rocks and dust.
What’s left is a slight downward slope that stretches for miles and then rises again, almost imperceptibly. Three hundred and ninety-two people lost their lives. You are familiar with at least ten of them. Two were your cousins, and they had texted you pictures of themselves standing on the rim, waving. “ALL OUT OF FISH” Three weeks from now, the world’s final piece of high-grade sushi will be consumed; after that, there will be only farm-raised catfish. Regular alerts have been issued, warning against overfishing and poisoning the ocean with poison, and this is a situation that clearly could have been avoided, but . . . enjoy your farm-raised-catfish sushi. “GRANDDAUGHTER BORN” Your first granddaughter was born three months ago. At four pounds two ounces, she was small, but she showed her strength fairly quickly, and is now doing well. This happened on a Presidential-tweet-storm day, so you were preoccupied. The baby has been home for ten weeks. Her name is either Eileen or Ellen. You should visit her. “NEIGHBOR SLAIN” Your elderly neighbor was murdered right in front of you in broad daylight. You were cleaning the gutters while wearing a pair of Bluetooth headphones that were tuned to the BBC, listening to measured condemnations of United States policy from dignified European politicians. Meanwhile, about thirty feet away, a man wearing a hockey mask used a machete to mince old Mrs. Samuelson to bits as she returned from the store with a bag of parakeet treats. She screamed at the top of her lungs, but no one—including you—heard her. The police knocked on your door to ask if you’d seen anything, but you were inside with the TV on at top volume, shaking your head, so they moved on to the next house. “PHANTOM SUPER BOWL” The Super Bowl happened again. You missed it. Seriously, you missed a Super Bowl. Think about that. The Chicago Bears miraculously beat the New England Patriots, 76–3. The halftime show was a supergroup of holograms: Jimi Hendrix, Kurt Cobain, and Tiny Tim. You missed all of it. “CAR TROUBLE” Your car has been making a scree-scree-scree noise for the past three months, and there’s a scent of shaved metal wafting through the vents, but you are usually too engrossed in conservative talk radio to notice. The smell has to do with your brake pads. Doesn’t matter—just keep driving and ranting at the dashboard, and soon this problem, and all your problems, will end. “SPRINGSTEEN MISSING” Bruce Springsteen is missing. He left his compound in New Jersey to buy some tube socks, and security-camera footage indicates that he got lost in a Costco. It had been more than three decades since he’d been in a store of any kind, and, wanting to avoid a scene, he wore a baseball cap pulled low and a high-collared jacket. He’s been gone for weeks now, and shoppers are being asked to keep an eye out for him. He looks like Bruce Springsteen, but with a salt-and-pepper beard. “METEOR HEADED FOR EARTH” A giant meteor, once thought to be headed toward Earth’s atmosphere, has now shown itself to be headed straight for your house. It’s picking up speed. This would have been international news during any other Administration, but it has so far been covered only in the back of the Science section of the Times. But you haven’t got past the Op-Ed page in months, have you? “CLOCK TICKING” In personal news, your medical tests came back positive—the doctor gives you six months without treatment. It’s time to turn off the TV, put down the newspaper, and open your mail. Then again, the test results came back five months ago. It’s already too late. ♦
Headlines Newspapers Donald Trump Category_Humor Current Events Media Journalism
United States Latest News, United States Headlines
Similar News:You can also read news stories similar to this one that we have collected from other news sources.
Jordan Love headlines 10 players poised to earn first Pro Bowl honors in 2024From rookies to veterans ready to break out, these 10 NFL players are in line to make their first career Pro Bowl appearances this season.
Read more »
27 Must-Have Pieces For A 'More Is More' Decor StyleThis floating planter may or may not have sorcery involved.
Read more »
DNC speaker schedule Monday: Joe Biden headlines first day of conventionThe Democratic National Convention speaker schedule for Monday is out and features several high-profile party members such as Hilllary Clinton and President Joe Biden.
Read more »
Anitta Headlines NFL’s First Game In São PauloAnitta is set to headline the NFL’s first game in São Paulo during the halftime show. Here’s what she had to say about the upcoming performance!
Read more »
NYC to launch STD outreach program for uninsured New Yorkers, migrantsThis Week's Health Headlines: ‘From the first drop’, An Apple A Day, & ‘Raw dogging’ flights
Read more »
Investors: Apple Intelligence may boost iPhone 16 sales, but a potential price hike may hinder supercycleIzzy, a tech enthusiast and a key part of the PhoneArena team, specializes in delivering the latest mobile tech news and finding the best tech deals. Her interests extend to cybersecurity, phone design innovations, and camera capabilities.
Read more »