Plus: Did my grandmother overreact about the cookout request?
I found out that my fiance recently went to his ex-girlfriend’s birthday party, and he didn’t tell me. My fiance and I have been dating for three years and have been engaged for six months, but I can tell it’s been hard for him to fully let go of his ex because they dated for eight years.
Part of me wants to understand where he’s coming from, but the other part of me has alarm bells ringing because why wouldn’t he at least tell me he was going to her party? I only found out because a mutual friend casually mentioned seeing him there, and when I asked my fiance about it, he admitted that he went but said he didn’t think it was a big deal.
He told me they have remained friendly since the breakup and that several mutual friends were there, so he didn’t think there was any reason to mention it beforehand. What bothers me most isn’t necessarily that he attended the party, it’s that he chose not to tell me. Now I’m questioning whether this is a sign that he hasn’t fully moved on from his previous relationship. I don’t want to start our marriage with doubts or resentment.
Do you think that this is a sign not to go forward with the marriage? : This is cause for concern. Clearly, your fiance wanted to be at the party and didn’t want to discuss it with you. Walking into a marriage, you don’t want to have secrets like that.
Have you two done premarital counseling yet? That would be a great option for you to talk through everything — past relationships, finances, work, family planning, etc. With a counselor, you work through discussions of values and challenges. You two need to do this, especially regarding past lovers. For the Fourth of July, my great-aunt invited my family over for a cookout.
We were willing to make the 90-minute drive there and back to see everyone and spend July Fourth with them. When my grandmother was on the phone with the host, her sister, she was informed that we needed to bring our own meat and buns if we wanted to eat anything grilled.
My grandmother was furious and told her we were no longer coming, arguing that if you host a party and invite people to come over, you are responsible for providing the meat or main course. Whenever my grandma hosts a party, she doesn’t expect anyone to bring anything and expects the same from others. — Explosive Family Fireworks: People are often asked to bring something to a cookout, dinner or gathering.
If they aren’t, they sometimes take it upon themselves to ask the hosts what they can bring. However, it’s not usually the main course, unless it is a potluck where everyone is contributing. It sounds like the host wasn’t graceful in her request. It’s understandable that your grandmother was upset.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
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