Grace Dent: 'My mother, in her 80s, is being guarded like a rare Fabergé egg'

Each time I try to amend the grocery order, the website falls over, punch-drunk and exhausted. For a few terrifying minutes, it flounders. Then it stands up again and refreshes

Workington Asda is stripped of tinned marrowfat peas and rich tea biscuits, the online store says. No ETA on stocks, either. Cumbria is prepping. I ponder the merits of tinned mushy peas instead – always a touch tasteless – then wonder if I can placate with fig rolls. My mother, in her 80s, is being guarded like a rare Fabergé egg, albeit a furious egg that finds this enforcement ridiculous. House arrest is a very strong term, but I am not above a rugby tackle.

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