Unfortunately, cleveland.com's Ask Lucas guy has returned to write this column again. He has the nerve to ask you for advice on removing a groundhog that disrespected his late mother.
Groundhogs are destroying my lawn. I need some advice to stop them. First, I owe you all an apology. To the people who actually read this thing, sorry I abandoned you for a few weeks while I finished up a project and transitioned to the crime beat for my real job as a newspaper reporter. To those who hate the sight of this column every week, I am equally sorry to inform you I am still, in fact, alive and plan to continue writing a column.
Though emptying a drum magazine of .45-caliber bullets into the groundhog’s hole is a completely justified response to this situation, I worry it will alienate me from my future sources as I approach the crime beat professionally. It’s kind of awkward to be actively committing crimes and also be a watchdog for good government or whatever.
If this were me giving advice to someone else, I would probably tell them to drop a piano on it or alienate them by loudly reading political theory in the backyard, but since it is me who needs advice, suddenly these columns aren’t so helpful.– famous for chucking a shoe at George W. Bush during a news conference – I tried yeeting a sandal at the groundhog, but I missed terribly and had to go ask my neighbors if it was OK to enter their fenced-in yard to retrieve it.
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