Many parents believe they should raise self-reliant kids. But we should really be teaching a more profound lesson.
But perhaps the most important thing parents can do to instill the mind-set of interdependence is to model it themselves:
• Show your children the nitty-gritty of times you’ve leaned on others. For instance, when my daughter struggled with a paper, I showed her the first edit of an article I’d written for this very newspaper’s science section: red marks everywhere. Initially, I felt embarrassed to need so much help. But quickly, I told her, I came to see it another way. I realized that my seasoned editor was investing in me, helping me become a better writer. I felt grateful for this show of support.
• To model healthy competition, celebrate out loud the strengths you see in your children’s friends. What do their classmates or competitors do well, and what can your child learn from them? Highlight their shared goals — whether it’s becoming a better tennis player or navigating the same fraught college admissions process. Competition can be mutually beneficial when we encourage children to appreciate and learn from others.
As for the adults? When we’re tempted to go at life alone — to be the parent who does it all, to resist burdening others with our needs, to outcompete the Joneses — we can remind ourselves that independence isn’t the secret to success for us any more than it is for our kids. We should teach interdependence because it helps our children thrive. But we should also practice interdependence because it helps us thrive, too.
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