Despite potentially violating antitrust laws, the PGA Tour and LIV Golf recently announced a planned merger. The Onion asked golf fans and pros what they thought about the merger, and this is what they said.
“I’m conflicted. As a longtime proponent of human rights, I—no, sorry, I can’t keep this up. I don’t give a shit. Keep women second-class citizens. Funnel money to terrorists. Bomb a Yemeni orphanage. Whatever we have to do in the service of golf, we must do. Golf is sacred. I worship at the altar of golf.
Golf, my beautiful favorite, my alpha and omega, my sacred clubs, each putter more sacred than the last! I journey through the hinterlands of the rough to my Mecca of the putting green, wielding my putter like a torch, and if anyone should get in my way, I should hope that my one true lord Golf smites them where they stand! Aieeeeeeeee!”
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