Our outmoded childhood coping styles can keep us from successfully running our lives. Here are four of the common challenges and how to master them.
The common challenges are fear of conflict, impulsiveness, being emotionally driven, or being too routinized.When you think back and survey the broader landscape of your life, is there something you struggle with, or can’t do, that stops you from reaching your goals, fixing your relationships, making good decisions, and moving forward? Everyone has something, and it's usually not a hundred things but just one or two—their Achilles' heel.
What’s yours? Here are some common culprits:When someone seems disappointed, critical, annoyed, or angry with you—especially if they are close to you or in a position of authority—your instinct is to accommodate, freeze, or avoid. You might feel like a kid who's in trouble, or your reactions might be so automatic that, without thinking, you just agree or become passive. But either way, you can’t handle others’ intense feelings; you’re happy if they are happy. Or maybe this isn’t just your default reaction but actually how you navigate the world. Making everyone happy is your priority, and so you’re over-responsible and can feel like a martyr. And at some point, this way of running your life can take its toll—you mayYou get an idea—to buy something, go somewhere, tell your supervisor what you really think of them, or quit your job—and the thought and feelings take over. You get tunnel vision, obsessed. Your rational brain is offline; you can’t put on the brakes.This is the cousin of impulsivity. What you do depends on how you feel. You’re tired, so you sleep in, missing your college class or showing up late to work. You’re anxious about talking to your partner about a problem that’s been bothering you, so you put it off. You start a project, but if you feel overwhelmed or frustrated, or if a more exciting idea comes along, you give up or move on to the next best thing. Your emotions control your everyday life, and your life becomes a series of projects never finished, problems never resolved.—they can consume you. You have a hard time reining them in, and your outbursts can hurt those around you.Unlike those others who struggle with emotions, you’re on the opposite end, where feelings have minimal impact on your daily life. Routines and plans rule your life; you tend to make your decisions more on what you should do than on what you want. You find it hard to be spontaneous.No matter how hard you try to manage your life, whatever your Achilles' heel may be, it is often rooted in your. Your parents, for example, may have modeled an emotionally driven life. Or you learned early on that the way to emotionally survive was to accommodate and please others. And if you have additional challenges, like high anxiety, a learning disorder, orLearning to do what you can’t is about rewiring your brain. It starts with recognizing your Achilles' heel and your stuck points, and then intentionally breaking those habits, stopping automatic reactions, and doing what you’re not currently doing. Here’s how to get started., the challenge is to get your rational brain back online. The first step is to recognize when your emotional brain is in control. Start by checking in with yourself every hour and asking how you’re feeling. When anxiety or anger start to surface, it’s time to take action. The action is to slow down, take deep breaths, recognize that your emotions are taking over, and then engage your rational brain: Ask yourself, “Is there a problem I need to fix?” “Do I need to calm myself?” If there is a problem, take decisive rather than impulsive action. If not, and you’re feeling overwhelmed or irritable for any reason, have tools ready to help you regulate. These may include deep breathing, focusing mindfully on something else to pull yourself out of the rabbit hole, writing down how you feel, or meditating or medicating. The more tools you have, the better. If you tend to accommodate or have been in a martyr role forever, it's time to stop feeling like a little kid by doing now what you couldn’t do then—speaking up and expressing how you feel and what you need. Even if it's hard to think on your feet and you find yourself automatically agreeing or becoming passive, take the risk of circling back hours or even days later, and assertively say what you want.And if you're too routine-focused and rational, your challenge is to learn to use emotions as a source of information—about what you want rather than what you should do, about stepping outside your comfort zone and doing what your rational mind considers impulsive, and then doing it anyway. The key is to notice the faintest whisper of preference, excitement, or desire, no matter how small it seems—having pizza for lunch or spontaneously joining the conga line at a wedding. It’s not about the pizza or the conga lines, but about rewiring your brain. Much of life's success involves shedding old childhood patterns, much like updating an old computer by replacing outdated software with current, adult versions. So, change what you do, approach what you avoid. Take small but intentional steps. And make sure to give yourself credit for your effort, for doing what you haven’t been able to do, no matter the outcome.has 50 years of clinical experience. He is the author of 13 books and over 300 articles and provides training nationally and internationally.Self Tests are all about you. Are you outgoing or introverted? Are you a narcissist? Does perfectionism hold you back? Find out the answers to these questions and more with Psychology Today.
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