It’s a loss that triggers contradictory emotions: how to square the happiness that one survived with an enduring sadness that the other didn’t?
Ihold my five-month-old up against a mirror so he is doubled. I squint, searching. My baby and I are haunted. Everywhere we go, a small ghost follows.
The next six weeks were a flurry of preparations. We needed a bigger couch. I needed to figure out how to fit three car seats in my sedan and how to grow two babies in one body. Everything feels wrong. I wish for Twin A to die as well. If I get pregnant with twins again, maybe I can have them both back.
I express these feelings to one of my close friends. She has come to see me. We sit on the riverbank as the sun goes down and the air chills. The smell of mangroves is heavy. Every serving of grief is a full serve, she tells me. I’m told no remains of Twin B were found: “Absorbed by you and the baby.” I feel OK about this, ready to give Baby my full attention.
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