This article explores the importance of recognizing and expressing anger in a healthy way, particularly for women who are often socialized to suppress their emotions. It examines the detrimental effects of anger invalidation and highlights the benefits of constructive anger, which empowers individuals to advocate for themselves and protect their well-being. The article emphasizes the role of self-compassion in navigating anger and encourages readers to embrace their anger as a valuable source of information and a catalyst for positive change.
The invalidation of anger is often one of the first ways women are socialized to cut themselves off from their feelings and begin to judge themselves. But what if someone is harming us? Shouldn't we get mad? Of course, we should! In fact, some of my clients fail to even identify what they are experiencing as anger. Even if they are able to identify their anger, they are often quick to invalidate their experience or judge themselves for feeling angry.
One of the biggest things I focus on in my clinical work is helping women validate their experiences of anger, ultimately empowering them to advocate for themselves. Dr. Kristin Neff, a psychologist who studies self-compassion, suggests that because women are not allowed to express anger outwardly the same way men do, they turn it inwards in the form of self-criticism, which often leads to feelings of shame and guilt.Sometimes, it feels better or safer to blame ourselves and imagine that we are at fault than to allow ourselves to feel anger and place blame or responsibility where it belongs, outside of ourselves and potentially outside of our control. But recognizing anger and acting on it is essential to advocating for ourselves. It is essential to protecting and defending ourselves. Anger is a call to action. It helps energize and mobilize us. It can empower us to use our voice. It is not something to be ignored or suppressed. One of the main reasons that women fail to advocate for themselves, in addition to invalidating, minimizing, or dismissing their experience of anger, is simply not knowing how to voice their anger in an appropriate way. Dr. Neff differentiates between constructive and destructive anger. She says that destructive anger is self-righteous and vilifies others, whereas constructive anger involves standing up for yourself without hostility or aggression.In essence, constructive anger embodies compassion towards ourselves by not tolerating mistreatment while maintaining compassion for the other and their humanity.Inappropriate expressions of anger can also lead to feelings of guilt and shame. Inappropriate expressions of anger happen often, paradoxically, when people try to avoid their anger.When trying to be kind or respectful, I hold my anger rather than expressing it. Doing so easily leads to a buildup of anger over time that can become unmanageable and result in a destructive eruption of anger that then leads to guilt and shame. Eruptions of anger can lead to more ineffective attempts at avoiding and/or suppressing anger.While it is essential to our mental health to express anger, it is also essential to express anger in healthy or constructive ways. If, like me, you find yourself failing to do so at times. Compassion for yourself is also needed here. Compassion is what will help you to assert yourself in the first place. Compassion will also help you heal when you have violated your values and acted in a way that you regret. There are many misconceptions about MSC, one of them being that adopting a compassionate approach is letting yourself 'off the hook.' But research shows that relating to yourself in a compassionate way makes people more likely to change, not less. Recognizing and validating anger and taking appropriate actions at the outset, rather than invalidating, dismissing, or judging your anger and trying not to express it, also helps reduce the likelihood that you will act in value-inconsistent ways. It is essential that we own our anger and use our voice sooner and in skillful ways rather than later with reactivity.So please don't ignore or suppress your anger. Know that, like all emotions, anger indicates something important. In fact, I like to think of anger itself as a kind of self-love.
ANGER SELF-COMPASSION WOMEN's HEALTH MENTAL HEALTH ASSERTIVENESS COMMUNICATION SOCIALIZATION
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