WESTERVILLE, OH—Following a ribbon-cutting ceremony and a thunderous round of applause from the thousands of ticket holders lined up to be among the first in line for its rides, the long-awaited Elmer’s Super Sticky Glue Park officially opened to the public Wednesday.
“Who’s going to ride Paste Mountain today?” said Elmer ’s Products CEO Michael V. Warren , who elicited raucous cheers with his reference to a one-of-a-kind roller coaster that features a 400-foot drop through the viscous, adhesive friction of Elmer ’s glue, traveling at a reported 2 miles per hour.
“Or maybe you’d rather take things slower with a float down our Extremely Lazy River of Rubber Cement? Before you leave, make sure to visit our IMAX theater for a 3D documentary about Elmer’s that’s so exciting you’ll be glued to the edge of your seat—literally!” Company officials confirmed the theme park also includes a food court that serves the same Elmer’s School Glue that has been enjoyed by children in American classrooms for generations.
Michael V. Warren Adhesives The Onion
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