Can struggling partners save their relationship by taking a break? Here's what the experts have to say.
Talk to your children honestly but don’t give them too much information or false hope.Recharge your battery and take time to learn more about yourself so you can view your relationship from a fresh perspective.
I recently interviewed Stephen Sulmeyer, J.D., Ph.D., about how a therapeutic separation might benefit a relationship.A trial separation is a generic term, meaning any kind of separation to see what it’s like to live or be apart, usually as a means of testing the viability of a relationship.one that is well-thought-out in advance, to create a therapeutic “container” for the separation and to support the couple to do the inner work they need to do to maximize the odds of gaining the clarity they’re seeking.If your relationship still has viability, if it feels like it’s still worth fighting for, then it’s worth it to leave no stone unturned in deciding whether to stay or go. If you’re in a, the stakes are even higher, and higher still if children are involved. Sometimes the best way to get clarity on a decision to stay in or leave a relationship is for both partners to take some time and space apart. This affords the opportunity to reflect, to feel, and to experience what it’s like to be apart from the other. I call this taking of time and space a therapeutic separation.People need to know their goals, why they’re doing this. What do they hope to gain? What needs to change? I’d explore with couples what fears, concerns, hopes, and needs they have Is the goal to have less conflict? More ? Better communication? Knowing their goals will help them determine whether the separation has been successful.When only one partner wants the separation it’s important to make sure the partner who doesn’t want the separation understands why the other partner does. I remember one case where the partner who didn’t want the separation didn’t understand or believe the other’s sincerity in seeking clarity as to whether to stay together or end the relationship. She thought she was being gently dumped in a duplicitous way, so she broke the rules of the therapeutic separation and got involved with another man without telling her partner, who, as it turned out, decided after the separation that he actually wanted to marry her. But, by then, it was too late; the damage had been done.SHS: There could be simply a physical separation, a psychological separation, or both. The partners could be doing work on themselves in therapy. They might have a third party, such as a therapist, facilitate their separation. They might start or continue with couples counseling.For how long do people typically separate? How do they know when to end the separation?There is no one-size-fits-all solution. These things need to be talked about, preferably with a therapist who knows what they’re doing. In my experience,You need time to allow the absence of the other to sink in, for previously hidden feelings to emerge, and so forth. The “when to end the separation” question needs to be addressed at the outset, and provisions made if either partner achieves the clarity they were seeking earlier than the agreed-upon duration, or for an extension of the time if the partner feels they need additional time.At a minimum, there should be agreements about whether or not there will be any contact, whether they are free to date other people during the separation, what therapeutic work they will engage in on their own during the separation, how long it will last, and under what circumstances the duration can be modified. If they’re married or have children, they need agreements about child care, payment of household expenses,time, etc. They probably need a lawyer to avoid potential legal landmines such as inadvertently triggering the date of separation . They need guidelines around communication during the separation. Will there be periodic “check-ins”? What about holidays or birthdays that occur during the separation? Couples need to discuss living arrangements and rules of engagement — who sleeps where, how to handle household chores, etc.
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