One reader wonders how to maintain a healthy relationship with her daughter’s father
In Lalalaletmeexplain's hit column, readers ask for her expert advice on their own love, sex and relationship problems. With nearly 200k Instagram followers, Lala is the anonymous voice helping womankind through every bump in the road.
Over the years I’ve tried really hard to be positive as I know how important it is for a young girl to have a healthy relationship with their father, but I feel like it’s damaging her more having him half in and half out of her life. As my daughter looks a bit older for her age, I’ve had conversations with her about what is acceptable behaviour and what isn’t, so she’s aware, and seeing her dad act like this has made her feel disappointed and lost; so now she doesn’t want to be around him.
You have also believed your daughter unquestionably when she has raised her concerns and educated her about worrying behaviour. You should be proud of how you’ve raised her. It is not a clear indicator that he poses a risk of sexual harm to your daughter, and it would not meet the threshold for sexual abuse, though it may be considered emotionally abusive if he is aware of how it makes her feel and continues. But in the way that you have described it, it does not currently meet the threshold for safeguarding concerns.
The younger the child is, the less weight will be given to their views. The law strongly promotes child contact, even sometimes where there are safeguarding concerns. Your daughter is not yet at an age where she can legally decide to stop contact. I also spoke with Antonia Birchall from JMW solicitors, who says: “Section one of the Children Act gives the presumption that parental involvement in a child’s life will further their welfare and that it’s in the child’s best interests to have a relationship with both parents.
I spoke to Adele Ballantyne who is a specialist therapist in separation, divorce, and limiting emotional damage to children. She says, “It is very common for parents who have not lived with, cared for and nurtured their children in the family home from a young age to not really know how to be parents. Parenting doesn’t come automatically, it is learnt.
It would be worth talking to your daughter about this. She is old enough to understand that dad may be interested in being there for her but that he struggles. It may benefit her to speak to her dad about this. Rather than seeking to stop his family time with her, it is worth taking a different approach. You have done brilliantly to maintain their relationship over the last ten years, so it seems that you have the skills to help to turn this around. Adele suggests finding space to talk to him.
“Show him that you understand that he is learning to be a dad to a daughter and that you are willing to guide him. Don’t accuse him or be critical. Professional help from a co-parenting coach or a specialist therapist in a neutral place will definitely help”
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