There’s something that we need to talk about. It’s your bathroom habits. They stink, and I mean that on so many levels.
I’m not some sort of poop-controlling prodigy; I’m a normal person with normal bowel activity, so I can confidently say that your sudden need to drop everything and drop deuce is highly suspect.
Also, my dear, there’s a huge, glaring discrepancy between the urgency of your poop and the time it takes you to finish. Typically, when you’re on the verge of soiling yourself—as you claim to be, every single time—business is over within seconds of sitting on the toilet. Yet here you are half an hour later, still glued to the porcelain throne with your phone in your hands.
Also? You forget to turn on the exhaust fan. And though you may not mind marinating in your own stench for long stretches of time, the rest of your family would appreciate some proper ventilation. Especially when the smell starts to seep into the hallway.Husband, you may be number one at going number two on cue—or at least feigning a state of lower-intestinal emergency—but your pooping is pissing me off.
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