Inside my mind is like the aftermath of an earthquake.
You’re sleeping peacefully next to me in your bed right now, snoring quietly. It’s so calm in here, with the fan blowing, the white noise machine whirring, the soft light of your projector shining into the darkness. But inside my mind is like the aftermath of an earthquake. Everything in disarray, jumbled, chaotic.. And I want to tell you I’m sorry for letting you witness that earthquake so often.
You’re around me so often, learning my behaviors, watching my reactions…how could this not shape some part of you? I hope with all my heart that any impact this has had on you will be overwritten by how I’mI also need you to know that you are, and always have been, perfect. Despite me fixating on your quirks and habits, you are a wonderful little human with so many amazing qualities. I should be focusing on those, nothing else. You’re an absolute genius.
I feel like our bodies are connected and when you’re in pain, I feel it too and want to take yours away. When you’re sad, all I want to do is suck the sadness out of you and make you smile again. You were my first baby, the baby I’d always dreamed of. You made me a mommy and I want to be the best mommy I can be. I’ve felt so much guilt about the way I’ve acted in front of you, and I hope that’s been somewhat of a penance in the eyes of the universe.
That’s something I’d love for you to take with you: if something is making you feel guilty, find a way to change what you’re doing so you can stop feeling that way. Guilt is a terrible, awful, paralyzing thing, and if you can make it subside somehow, do it. I love you with all of my heart and I don’t know how long I’ve been this person I don’t want to be, but I’m going to do whatever it takes to become the mommy you’ve always deserved.
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