How do we keep quarantining with kids from ruining our sex life?
Although I am still a teenager, I have often contemplated one day having kids or adopting, even if I was not in a relationship . However, as someone with three younger siblings, I have found that I have a temper and short patience.
Before this whole quarantine thing I would volunteer with kids at my church and would do fine with them, but my siblings tend to get on my nerves. My family is in no way “soft,” and we all tend to be rough with each from time to time . How do I start addressing my temper now? Does that make me unfit to be a parent in the future? I see my parents parent in a way that I dislike sometimes, especially as I get older, and I worry about parenting just like them . How do I address this?I’m so glad you wrote to me! I am always heartened when anyone wants to work on themselves before becoming parents, even if they are a decade away from becoming parents . A great start is to rigorously fight the urge to “get physical” with your siblings. I know siblings are aggravating, but breaking the reaction loop between irritation and making physical contact is extremely important. I know you’re all on top of each other right now, and tensions are high, but the sooner you can practice leaving a tension-filled situation and taking some deep breaths, the better. The more consistently you start working on de-escalating a moment when you feel yourself getting angry, the easier it gets. Leave the room. Don’t fight so hard to get the last word in that you wind up shoving your brother. You will almost certainly find that as you get older, you’ll have an easier time handling your emotions. You’ll meet people who parent in a way that makes more sense to you than the way you were parented. Ask them about it! Read parenting books. Download free meditation apps. If you still find you have a hair-trigger temper as an adult, look for a therapist. I think you’re perfectly capable of being a great parent one day. That day is a long way off. Use the time wisely, and work on being the best person you can be. It’ll pay off.Elizabeth Newcamp host this week’sDear Care and Feeding, My in-laws are retired and watch my 2-year-old daughter about once a week, so I can have a little time off or to go to any appointments. We are a close family and visit often, as we do not live far away, and we have always got along really well, even for the many years my husband and I were together dating and later married, but with no children yet. My husband works full-time, and I have been a stay-at-home mother since our daughter was born. She is the only grandchild on my husband’s side and is doted over by everyone, especially her “Granny and Grandpa.” My husband’s parents are divorced, and his mother remarried while he was still young, so “Bob” is his stepfather. Bob has one biological son, but they are estranged. Bob has always wanted a little girl, but never had one until Ada was born. The other night my husband and I went to pick her up from her day with them, and as we all sat chatting, we witnessed a rather strange interaction between Ada and Grandpa. Bob asked for a kiss, which isn’t out of the ordinary because we are a very affectionate southern family, and she ran over to him and stuck her tongue out. The strange part is that he proceeded to put his lips around her tongue and then, as she was laughing, he stuck his tongue into her open mouth. My husband, myself, and Granny all looked at each other with the same surprised and disturbed look on our faces. Later the same evening, it happened again, and still no one said anything, just looked astonished and possibly waiting for someone else to speak up. To be clear, I don’t think Grandpa has sexually abused our daughter, but I just didn’t like how seeing that made me feel. It felt wrong. The next day, I discussed this with my husband, and he confirmed that he too thought it was strange and awkward, and that I wasn’t imaging the look of disgust on everyone’s faces. I asked him if he would speak to his mother and ask her to correct Bob if he ever does this again. I think when he did, my husband tried to frame it as something he wouldn’t want our daughter to repeat with someone else in public . His mom did not react well to this at all. She got defensive immediately, and told us never to mention this to Bob or anyone else. Later when we texted her a cute story about how Ada was picking berries, she messaged back that their talk had bothered her more than she anticipated and had written and deleted several messages already. She asked for a few days before we spoke again. Bob does not know any of this took place, and we plan to keep it that way. Ada is unaware anything is wrong either and keeps asking to video chat with her grandparents. Now, I feel as though I did something wrong by bringing this up with Granny in the first place. I am split between thinking that I shouldn’t be ashamed to have brought it up, because this is my daughter, and I have a right to protect her from anything I see as inappropriate. On the other hand, I’m worried that I alienated us from my husband’s mother. If we are to keep up the charade that nothing is wrong, for Bob and Ada’s sake, we will have to see them again soon. I’ve tried reaching out to Granny myself, but I have to be careful not to text anything that Bob might see as strange. I don’t know what to do or feel. Please help.I don’t give a shit if you have alienated your husband’s mother! How arethe problem? Why is protecting Bob’s feelings what we’re huddling around? To hell with Bob! Bob, in your physical presence, “French-kissed” your childThey do not get to watch your child anymore. This is not normal. This is very bad. I was going to write “I am not trying to alarm you” but, frankly, I am trying to alarm you. At the very, very minimum, Bob lacks the judgment required to take care of your daughter. I would be interested in knowing why he’s estranged from his son. Bob also seems to be a real whiz at getting people to avoid upsetting him. This is how people groom not just minors, but the family as a whole. The fact he did this in front of you does not soften the impact to me. This can be a way to make you question your own basic parental instinct of what’s acceptable behavior. You’re already questioning it. I am sure there are people who will read this letter and think it’s possible that Bob is just clueless and was mimicking your daughter’s natural, affectionate behavior. I sat with this letter for a long time, and for me, the worst-case scenario of overreacting is a lot more palatable to me than the worst-case scenario of underreacting . I would not be reaching out to anyone. I would not be trying to woo back Granny and Bob. If they texted to ask if you need them to watch Ada this week, I would respond “we’ve made other arrangements.” I would also encourage you to pick up a copy of Gavin de Becker’s
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