Advice from Annie Lane.
I have had a close friend for 44 years. We have been through marriages, children, illnesses, holidays, losses and all the ordinary ups and downs that come with a friendship that lasts nearly half a century.
That is why something very small has hurt me more than I expected. Recently, I was very ill for three weeks with vomiting, then bronchitis, and I ended up in the hospital over Easter. Because I was still recovering, I asked this longtime friend if she would pick up a box of tea for me. It cost $4.
A few days later, we met at bingo, and she brought me the tea. I thought I had smaller bills, but when I looked in my purse, I only had two $20 bills. I got up to go to the canteen to make change, but another friend offered to break a $20 for me. As soon as I sat back down, my friend leaned over and said, “Did you get the change for the $4?
” It wasn’t just the words. It was the tone and the look on her face. It felt as if she thought I might not pay her back. I was stunned.
In 44 years, I have never failed to repay her or anyone else. I am not someone who “forgets” debts, even tiny ones. I was also feeling fragile after being so sick, which may be why this hit me so hard. Still, I cannot shake the feeling that she doubted my character over $4.
I paid her, of course, but now I feel awkward and hurt. Part of me thinks I should let it go because it was only $4. Another part of me feels that after 44 years of friendship, she should know me better. How do I process this without turning a small moment into a big fight?
Should I say something, or should I chalk it up to a bad tone, a bad day and a very unfortunate cup of tea? You were sick, tired and tender, so her tone landed hard. She may have been rude, or she may simply have been focused on the money in an ungraceful moment. Say gently, “I know it was only $4, but the way you asked made me feel like you didn’t trust me.
That hurt. ” Then stop talking and let her answer. Long friendships survive little bruises when both people are brave enough to name them and kind enough not to enlarge them. Annie Lane offers common-sense solutions to everyday problems.
She's firm, funny and sympathetic, echoing the style of her biggest inspiration, Ann Landers. She lives outside Manhattan with her husband, two kids and two dogs. When not writing, she devotes her time to play dates and Play-Doh. Write her: dearannie@creators.com
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