Advice from Annie Lane.
My mother, who is now 62, has always been a dominant personality, keen on having things go her way. I’m 34, an independent graphic designer, and I pride myself on being self-sufficient and creative. But every time I share aspects of my life with her -- be it career choices, romantic partners or even smaller decisions like adopting a pet -- she critiques them, often unsolicitedly, making me second-guess my decisions.
I’m starting to avoid sharing any personal news with her at all to dodge the inevitable criticism. I understand she might be doing this out of love, but it feels more controlling than caring. How can I communicate my need for support without her judgment?: It’s clear you value both your independence and your relationship with your mother. Expressing your need for support rather than criticism is not only reasonable but necessary for a healthy adult relationship.
It might be time for a gentle but firm conversation. Let her know that while you appreciate her desire to help, what you need most from her is trust in your judgment. Setting boundaries is important; you might decide to limit what personal details you share if her responses continue to be unsupportive. This isn’t to create distance but to protect the relationship you cherish with her.
Other than that, she is a wonderful person. She would give you the shirt off her back and do anything for anybody. She is funny, kind and loving, and because of this, we have silently endured. We are planning a cruise next year and no one wants to room with her. We all hate confrontation and know she will be extremely hurt if we say something. Please help. What do we do?It sounds like your friend doesn’t realize how her behavior is impacting the group.
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