Advice from Annie Lane.
My husband and I have been married for eight years, and every vacation we take somehow turns into a group trip. He used to only invite his brother or his parents, but now the expectation is basically that we travel as one big extended family.
The problem is, I don’t enjoy these trips. His family is kind but overbearing. I feel like I can’t relax. They also bicker, constantly arguing about where to eat, what to do and who’s paying.
I’m dying for a peaceful getaway with just my husband. I’ve hinted that I’d like a trip for just the two of us, but he says, “They won’t be around forever,” which makes me feel guilty and like I should be supporting these trips more enthusiastically. How do I push for couple time without sounding selfish?trip. It’s unlikely he’ll be offended if you tell him you want some quality time alone with him.
You’re not rejecting family trips; you’re just adding in some much-needed couple time. I am writing in response to the many parents who write in seeking advice for a son or daughter battling addiction. Two years ago, my husband and I were devastated to learn that our son, from whom we had been estranged for seven years, was addicted to fentanyl. He, his girlfriend and their three children were living in an uninhabitable motel room.
The kids had never been to school and were removed from their parents’ custody. We thought that was rock bottom ... little did we know that rock bottom can have a basement! We could not have moved forward from the original devastating circumstances surrounding our son and his children without the help of Parents of Addicted Loved Ones . I cannot recommend this organization highly enough!
They have both in person and Zoom meetings all across the country, and we met as often as we wanted or needed with leaders and other parents who all experienced the same devastation of having a loved one addicted to some substance. We learned and internalized that we didn’t cause our son’s addiction, we can’t control it and we can’t cure it. We also learned proven techniques for not enabling our son in his drug use.
The meetings are free, and you can remain anonymous in them. Our son is still addicted. Two of our grandchildren have been adopted by a wonderful family; the third is waiting for paperwork to be completed for her adoption to be finalized with another wonderful family. Finding a supportive community did not fix our son, but it sure helped fix us and give us peace in the middle of a terrifying, unimaginable storm.
Your letter is a lifeline. Too many parents believe they caused — or can somehow fix — what is beyond their control. The wisdom you’ve found echoes the Serenity Prayer: God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can’t change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Annie Lane offers common-sense solutions to everyday problems.
She's firm, funny and sympathetic, echoing the style of her biggest inspiration, Ann Landers. She lives outside Manhattan with her husband, two kids and two dogs. When not writing, she devotes her time to play dates and Play-Doh. Write her: dearannie@creators.comMiss Manners: My restaurant server was is rude.
Can I ask for a different one? Asking Eric: My husband and I are slowing down. How do we back out of a packed social schedule?
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