A family struggles with their extended family's insistence on a real Christmas tree, which triggers the health of their young daughter who suffers from asthma and allergies. The family's insistence on an artificial tree sparks conflict and raises questions about boundaries and family traditions.
We have hosted my husband’s family’s Christmas gathering for the past eight years. Besides the fact that no one else has expressed any interest in hosting, we’re centrally located and have the largest, most appropriate space. At the end of the gathering this year, my sister-in-law asked if we could start rotating it since our kids are a bit older now. My husband said he didn’t see that being a problem but that they would need to get an artificial tree instead of a real one.
Both he and our daughter, who is 3, have asthma and allergies and react to nearly every species of live tree used for Christmas. My husband will suck it up and take allergy meds (which is what he’s always done going to his parents’ house), but we don’t want to trigger our daughter’s asthma and make the holidays miserable for her. My SIL and parents-in-law all lost it and went off about how unreasonable it is to ask them to make that change when it’s a tradition for them to have a real tree, and our daughter will need to learn how to adjust to different environments. I told them we would not be putting her in a situation that would knowingly cause an asthma attack and that we would just need to sit out next year’s gathering if it were at someone else’s house with a live tree. I know she needs to navigate the world, but it doesn’t seem like such a big ask for her own family to sub in a different kind of tree in order for her to be able to enter their house. Everyone packed up and left after that, rather silently and angrily. Are we really so out of line? Or are they being as unnecessarily hardheaded as we think? (For the record, I always had a real tree before meeting my husband, but when I saw how he almost immediately broke out in hives and needed his inhaler when he came to my house our first Christmas, I immediately ordered a fake one and never looked back.)If your daughter had a severe peanut allergy and your sister-in-law had a tradition of baking peanut brittle together on Christmas, I would hope your family would all agree that that tradition would need to be suspended or moved to another day in order to protect your daughter. Right? So, no, you’re not out of line in making this request. I’d give it one more attempt once tempers cool down. Share some information about what actually happens during an asthma attack (severe ones are no joke) and why allergy medicine isn’t a viable solution for your daughter. Your husband’s hives story is persuasive too. You might consider offering to buy the artificial tree for them as a gesture of thanks. Plus, you can remind them that during the years your family hosts, they can still continue their tradition of picking out a tree. If no one is willing to budge, then stand firm but kind. This is about the safety and comfort of your child on a significant day of the year. Sure, you are making a big-ish ask, but it’s for a very good reason. Grumpy as they may be about it (and it would be fair to be grumpy), your family should recognize that.
FAMILY TRADITIONS ALLERGIES ASTHMA CHRISTMAS BOUNDARIES
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