Expectant parent, “terrified” of a third miscarriage, tries not to dump that anxiety on pregnant wife.
We recently found out that my wife is pregnant. It will be our first child. This is usually joyous news, and while I’m elated, I’m also terrified. This is her third pregnancy; the last two ended in miscarriage. Both times, we were devastated, and while it’s unspoken, I think this is our last shot at it. We’re both in our late 30s and have been at it now for more than two years.The problem is our combined stress.
She is, of course, nervous, too. She has experienced all the pain and the physical manifestation of the loss. I was just there for the awful ride.She believes, rightfully so, that I need to “be strong for both of us” this time around. Easier said than done, however, as every time she seems peppy, hungry or not sore, I fear the worst is about to happen — again. Any advice so I can maybe at least fake some strength here?First of all, congratulations — this is joyous news.
That frees you to concentrate on what you can do. You can buy and prepare healthy foods, keep up with the laundry, plan diverting things for you and your wife to do — catch movies or exhibits or games, hike local trails, see friends. You can take on house projects that aren’t baby-specific but that would be useful preparations, like building shelves and cleaning out closets.
In other words, give yourself a definitive education on what you can and can’t control, then put that education to work. Get your hands and mind occupied with something other than things beyond your control — like the minute-by-minute fluctuations of your wife’s physical state. If this proves to be impossible, then get outside help with your anxiety and grief.
Either way, you can get your spirit engaged in something more positive and productive, too. Say to yourself privately, and to your wife aloud, “We’ll be okay” — because you will, no matter what happens with the pregnancy, as long as you take good care of each other through this.After discovering affairs, scorched earth isn’t a level playing field
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