The Gripe Report tackles doctor visit frustrations from scheduling virtual appointments to dentist small talk and getting weighed with your shoes on.
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No matter how healthy you are or how well you take care of yourself, you're going to end up at some kind of doctor at some point. And while I appreciate what they do — you know, keeping me alive — I never leave the doctor, eye doctor, or dentist without some complaints. For my entire adult life to this point, making an appointment was as simple as making a phone call.
Now an app has been thrown into the mix, and I wish that was the end of the problem, but it isn’t. My doctor told me to make a follow-up virtual appointment , and he originally told me the ladies at the front desk would handle this by calling me. So, I called my doctor’s office, but while this is the"front desk" number, it actually goes to some call center for the wider health system.
That’s usually not a problem, but for some reason it was this time when I said I needed to schedule a virtual appointment. The lady on the phone was helpful until I said it was supposed to be a virtual appointment, because at that point she just completely froze and told me the front desk would reach out to me and do it.
I was getting so sick of this that I knew it was inevitable that the front desk would not call and I’d have to do this same Finally, I got it scheduled, but should scheduling what amounts to a Zoom call with your doctor — who told you to set it up — require multiple phone calls, a message in an app and me muttering swear words under my breath while on hold? Now, while scheduling a virtual appointment is a real pain in the a--, if you can finally jump through all the hoops and solve whatever riddles they try to throw in your way, they’re great.
Sure, I knew they existed, but for years, I had been scheduling early-morning appointments and driving across town in rush-hour traffic like an idiot. Not one did someone say,"Hey, this could’ve been handled without you having to come in, and also you don’t need to change out of the shorts you slept in.
" I think they just thought it was funny to see me roll in early just so I could have the following exchange with the doctor:Dentists who talk to you I know this sounds like a bit that a hacky ‘80s comic would do, but it still happens in the Year of our Lord 2026. When your job is to dig around in someone's mouth while their jaw cramps up from having to hold it wide open like they’re the guy in Edvard Munch’s"The Scream," maybe it’s not the right time to ask the patient what their summer plans are.
I try to answer because I’m not a monster, and they have to pull the little metal hook and mirror setup out of my mouth so I can say,"The wife and I are going to the beach," and it prolongs how long I have to lie in the chair being blinded by the dentist’s light. Personally, I’m not a fan of small talk anytime someone is doing work on me because I want them focused on the work.
I feel that way about haircuts too. And while we’re talking about dentists, it drives me insane when they pick and scrape at your teeth and gums and then say,"A little bit of blood there; just be sure to keep up with flossing.
" Funny because the only time my gums ever bleed is when I'm at the dentist and they repeatedly pick at them with a mini version of Candyman’s hook hand. Doctors' offices weighing you under sub-optimal conditions I’m a guy who could always stand to lose a few pounds, but let’s get real about the method of weighing you at the doctor.
We all know that the right way to weigh yourself is in the morning and fully nude, and if you can even work up a nice sesh on the ol’ porcelain bowl, well, that could even help you out more. I’m not saying we should be stripping down at the doctor’s office just to get weighed. I just want them to stop weighing us with keys, wallets and phones in our pockets and our shoes on.
To my doctor’s credit, they scored some little end table at Goodwill or at someone’s dead grandma’s estate sale, and they plopped it right next to the scale. That way you can just empty your pockets real quick and —If I’m thinking of it, I’ll even pop my shoes off just to get that number down as low as I can, because I’m not so sure doctors ever factor this in. -5 pounds overweight.
It’s not my fault you weighed me with my keys, wallet, phone, shoes, jacket, and pack ofFew things get my heart racing like racing to sit in that weird padded chair at one end of the room while trying to read small letters off of a mirror at the other end of the room. So, that means that every year I go in for new contacts and glasses, and that means the pressure is on for me to crush the stupid eye chart.
Now, I don’t know why I’m like this. Maybe I’m competitive. Maybe I just like being right, but the goal of the eye chart is to help the doctor figure out what kind of prescription you need. Which, by the way, this test is diabolical in how they use letters that kind of look alike.
Half the time, I just flip a coin between P’s and F’s and B’s and E’s. I put this pressure on myself, sure, but I’ve been doing it my entire life like I think that if I miss too many lines, the doctor will just throw his hands up and leave me sitting behind that bizarre eyeglass contraption. Also, eye doctors, get rid of that thing that blows a puff of air in your eyes.
I switched to a new doctor a few years ago and they have some otherBe sure to send in your gripes for the next one: matthew.reigle@outkick.com
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