This article explores the common relational dynamic of pleasing, examining its origins in childhood and its potential to hinder authentic connection in adulthood. It highlights the negative consequences of prioritizing pleasing over expressing needs and encourages readers to break free from this pattern for healthier relationships.
Readers can be clear about where a propensity to please comes from and how to interrupt it.My work with hundreds of couples reveals that pleasing is a familiar relational dynamic. It seems to work when someone is eager to please, and someone else is eager to be pleased. Of course, it doesn’t work when one partner wants more than being pleased. Such discontent happens because the person being pleased feels alone.
Pleasing engenders parental approval, encouragement, preferential treatment, and even academic success in school. The problem is it can be difficult to outgrow. This is especially true when a parent reinforces a child’s compliance and frowns upon moves toward independence and autonomy.Children figure out the many benefits of pleasing. They may be willing to forfeit authentically participating in relationships as they age to favor their old standby – pleasing.
has been for you. Also, consider how often it was reinforced by others who delighted in your offerings.can be difficult if you were raised in a hostile and aggressive home. It was unsafe for you to be visible with your needs and desires., so you are not trapped in fight, flight or freeze conditions at the thought of being transparent. I recommend somatic
*Even if you did not grow up in a hostile home, becoming more visible with your feelings will likely make you feel vulnerable. This happens because you know you have no control over how the other will respond to your disclosure. *Practice speaking honestly about feeling vulnerable. Remind yourself that you feel vulnerable and are likely safe in the presence of someone you trust.means your desires and needs are described as actions. So, it’s not “I would like more affection,” but rather “Would you be willing to touch me when passing me in the hall and hug me every now and then?”It makes sense to keep your strategic pleasing in your hip pocket. It can be helpful in a crisis.
Relationships Pleasing Relationships Childhood Adult Development Communication
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