Today, cyclists no longer feel guilty when it comes to stuffing their faces with any number of dodgy drugs.
Here’s the one thing about living in Cape Town: you have to wear sunglasses when you step outside or your eyes will melt with the sheer loveliness of it all. Unless, of course, you live on the Flats. And even then you still have to wear sunglasses to avoid being recognised by gangsters or cops to whom you may owe money or favours. The other thing is that almost everyone is obsessed with walking, hiking, running or cycling. Every weekend there is some or other race going on.
Right now, people with outrageously expensive bicycles and bad attitudes are girding their loins for the Cape Town Cycle Tour in 10 day’s time. Being cyclists, they’re not happy claiming the roads for themselves just for one day. They have something called a Lifecycle Week – “an eight-day celebration of all things cycling”. A lot of middle fingers can be flashed between motorists and cyclists in eight days.
Right. I’m glad that’s out of the way. I wouldn’t want serious cyclists getting halfway through this column thinking, “It’s this kind of idiot that gives cycling a bad name.” Come to think of it, I am precisely that kind of idiot. And I can do it without going anywhere near a bike. In fact, I’m doing it right now from behind my computer with a beer at my elbow. If I open my window, I can shout, “Faster, you lazy bastard!” at every cyclist who comes heaving into view.
The first website I encountered was an enormous help. It said, “Cycling is an activity most commonly performed on a bicycle.” This is like pointing out, “Walking is an activity most commonly performed on the legs.” Is this aimed at aliens who might wish to access the internet to find out more about our species? “I know what cycling is!” I shouted, giving my computer a swift backhand. It was more cooperative after that and it wasn’t long before it coughed up a fact that I could use.
The Penny Farthing was an improvement, if you can call anything designed by an escaped mental patient an improvement. Okay, I’m bored with that bit, now. Alcohol remains a firm favourite, although the jury is still passed out regarding its performance-enhancing qualities. Marijuana, South Africa’s most popular cash crop, is similarly regarded as more of a hindrance than a help when it comes to crossing the finish line. Some riders have been known to take up to three days to complete a race after stopping for a joint in Fish Hoek. They tend to get distracted by the penguins in Simon’s Town.
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