When I see him and his wife, I get the flight-or-fight response and have to pull myself together.
DEAR ERIC: I was in a relationship with a man 45 years ago who I loved more than I loved anyone in my life. Then he married someone. He didn’t tell me, I heard it from a colleague. I was able to get myself together with a lot of counseling.
I married a wonderful man who loves me with all his heart, and I love him the same. I was able to stay away from the first man for many years. Recently, he has come back into my life through mutual friends. He is now married to a different woman. When I see him and his wife, I get the flight-or-fight response and have to pull myself together. We recently had coffee together alone. Everything was fine until he said he wanted to let me know what a special person I had been in his life. I know he said it because he is older and facing health issues and wants to make amends before he dies. He cried and told me he would always love me. After a few days, I called him and asked him not to tell me that as it made me relive the past trauma. But now I can’t stop thinking about it. I am 70 and I can’t find a counselor with my age and experience to help me. I don’t know how to manage my feelings.DEAR PAST: What he said may have made him feel better, but it wasn’t actually for your benefit. An amends includes an acknowledgement of the harm caused, an apology and an effort to right what was set wrong, if possible. Telling you that he would always love you is not that. That’s sentiment and nostalgia and, in my view, unkind. But you aren’t trapped in his imperfect narrative. Focus on what you need. Part of this is internal, forgiving any part of yourself that feels bad for holding on to the hurt and comforting the younger version of yourself that is still alive inside you and vividly feeling that hurt. Part of this is external: blocking his number and taking steps not to engage with him. A letter might be useful, expressing that you forgive him but that any friendship in the present isn’t possible. You might also let your mutual friends know that it’s simply healthiest for you that you and he not engage. Also consider talking to a counselor who may not share your age and experience but does have a background in healing past traumas. What’s most important is that you remember that your feelings aren’t faults and what happened to you doesn’t have to define you.Dear Abby: She wants to take it slow ... how long should I give her to figure out what she wants?Miss Manners: How can I express affection for a man without saying ‘I love you’? Miss Manners: He says ‘bless you’ when a person sneezes, but also when someone burps or has flatulence!R. Eric Thomas is a national bestselling author, playwright, and screenwriter. His memoir, Here for It, or How to Save Your Soul in America, which Lin-Manuel Miranda hailed as “pop culture-obsessed,...
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