In today's Asking Eric column, R. Eric Thomas responds to someone who just found out their husband of 37 years has been cheating on them for the last nine years.
In today's Asking Eric column, R. Eric Thomas responds to someone who just found out their husband of 37 years has been cheating on them for the last nine years. During Covid I found out my husband was having an affair with a woman out of the country, for nine years! I had a mental breakdown, and it took me a long time to recover.
No one noticed because of the social restrictions of the pandemic. I agreed to “putting her in the friend category” while deeply distressed.My spouse stopped seeing the affair partner and continued to text but send money on a regular basis. He says he has a responsibility to her. There are no children or family ties; this was very secret. We are now both retired and I have asked him to stop sending our retirement money to his affair partner. He keeps saying this will change when his feelings change and that I am going back on a promise. I feel that I was mentally unstable at the time and that things should change.After 37 years of marriage, it’s hard to walk away, but also hard to accept this situation. Other than this one problem, we get along better than ever and feel like lovers and friends. How do I get around this problem? How do I resolve these feelings? Because I know I can’t change him.I’m glad that everything else is going so well in your relationship because your husband’s behavior and responses about his affair partner don’t sound collaborative and that can be poison in a lot of relationships. Regardless, too much of the responsibility for letting go is falling on you. It seems likely that your husband has become involved in a Romance Scam, a type of fraud wherein a scammer begins an online relationship with a victim with the express purpose of getting money from the victim. The FBI’s website has educational resources about these scams and they can be reported to the Bureau’s Internet Crime Complaint Center . Whether or not he stops, you need to protect yourself. Because he can’t be trusted with your shared financial resources, it’s advisable to separate the management of your retirement funds, or all your shared assets. Your financial adviser can talk to you about options. But you should also talk to a divorce attorney. Even if you intend to stay together in some capacity, an attorney can walk you through your options for financial and legal separation. His current behavior doesn’t come across as “putting her in the friend category.” For all intents and purposes, the affair hasn’t stopped. So, this isn’t something you have to accept.Asking Eric: I’ve been a jerk lately and I don’t know whyIf you purchase a product or register for an account through a link on our site, we may receive compensation.and agree that your clicks, interactions, and personal information may be collected, recorded, and/or stored by us and social media and other third-party partners in accordance with our
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