Are we right to be angry he didn’t give it back?
A family member chose to enlist in the Marines. A party was held for him. Everybody was asked to give cash, so he’d have what he needed while in basic training.
Less than 24 hours later we were told he changed his mind and decided not to enlist, which thrilled everyone. We were told that now the party was for his high school graduation, and he kept the money. Seriously? If you are engaged to be married and you break up, the gifts are returned.
A bunch of us are pissed. Are we right? : I’m not sure it’s a one-to-one comparison with an engagement, but I see your broader point. It’s a little audacious to retroactively change the occasion of a party after all the gifts have been given, but graduating from high school is also an important milestone that many do choose to honor with a gift.
Indeed, even though he won’t be joining the Marines, his next step will still require money, whether that step is further education or joining the workforce or some combination thereof. Also, by choosing not to join the Marines, he also won’t be earning the salary that one earns during basic training. So, it’s not like the money won’t be useful. All that being said, his financial needs aren’t your responsibility.
You weren’t required to give him a gift before, and you aren’t now that the situation has changed. If you want your money back, ask for it. I need help settling a “Seinfeld”-esque scenario and deciding who was in the wrong. I came home from the office for lunch.
My wife had prepared a quiche. There was a bottle of salsa available with which to dress it. The salsa had a lid on it, but as I went to shake it in preparation for spreading it over my food, the lid flew off and threw salsa all over my nice white dress shirt. I was fuming in the moment.
My wife insists that I should have checked the lid prior to my shaking the bottle. I say that, no, that shouldn’t be necessary since whoever uses the salsa last should secure the lid. What say you? : Well, the good news is you were already at home, so you could just throw the shirt in the washer with some stain remover, change clothes and go about your day.
This incident seems to have been the result of two coinciding oversights, rather than one grievous wrong. It’s always a good idea to check the lid before shaking something, just in case. And a lid is only doing half its job if it’s not fully secured.
That said, your wife went through the trouble of preparing a quiche and setting out the salsa, so it’s also possible she was leaving the lid unscrewed as part of lunch service to make it easier for you to get what you need. Whatever the case, this is unlikely to happen again. Thank her for her efforts and for thinking of you. And next time check twice, quiche once.
I, too, used to interrupt people and was unable to stop. Then, through a friend I learned the art of listening and discovered some reasons why I kept interrupting people.
Some examples of why I didn’t let people finish their sentences were because “I already know where you’re going with this, and I have something more clever to say;” because “I might forget what I have to say and lose this great opportunity to impress you;” because “you aren’t interesting enough to distract me from my scary thoughts;” because “you’re having such a hard time expressing yourself, I’m going to rescue you by saying it better;” because “interrupting you is a natural expression of my enthusiasm,” to name a few. As I was moved to interrupt, I silently asked myself if any of those statements were true, and I could easily find at least one.
Slowly over time I learned the art of listening, and I think I am much easier to be around; I hope anyway! Silence truly is a virtue. : This level of self-awareness and self-examination is really wonderful. I like that you don’t judge yourself too harshly and instead are approaching your actions and your motivations with curiosity.
That curiosity then gives you the space and the grace to make a change. Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
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