“As it is, I have a brutal work schedule of about 60 to 80 hours per week, not including personal tasks and then social events.”
I’m mid-50s and I have three jobs . I also have three grown children, a husband, my parents and many friends.
I constantly get requests from co-workers and other friends for happy hours, dinners, brunches, workshops, seminars and other events. As it is, I have a brutal work schedule of about 60 to 80 hours per week, not including personal tasks and then social events. It’s not impacting my health, yet. How do I respond with “I just want some peace and quiet” without offending people?
Or, perhaps, a better question is, am I prioritizing the right things in my life? Anyone working as much as you are, deserves as much or as little brunch, workshopping or sleeping as they want. It does sound like you’re prioritizing a lot — some of it, like your jobs, by necessity. You’re doing what you have to do to make your life work and to show up as much as you can for those closest to you.
If you’re not feeling the need right now to expand your professional network through socializing, and you’re not receiving any informed feedback that would suggest said socializing might materially benefit you, then you’re fine to skip it. It’s just not something that works for you right now. Right now is not forever. You’re free to change your mind, change your schedule, say yes to one thing and no to 100 other things.
We all do this. No one is universally available for every plan. It’s important to remember that other people’s priorities aren’t your priorities. So, if someone gets offended by you saying, “I appreciate the invite, but I’m at capacity right now,” that’s not a problem you need to clean up.
At some point, you might want to read “How to Do Nothing: Resisting the Attention Economy” by Jenny Odell. I am 72 years old and have been divorced for almost 25 years. For the first 12 years or so after my divorce, I dated a lot.
I met men through dating websites and through mutual friends. However, I finally left the dating scene for several reasons. I am content with my singleness. I have many friends and acquaintances through church, where I also volunteer.
Earlier this year, I became Facebook friends with a man who is a cousin of a mutual friend. I am really not interested in becoming serious with anyone. After weeks of communicating through Facebook Messenger, he mentioned meeting for lunch. I agreed, thinking it would be nice to have a male friend to do things together occasionally, like dining out or going to the movies.
I had a great time, and we have quite a few things in common. He is funny and made me laugh.
However, I made no mention during our lunch that I only wanted friendship. Why? Because of his table manners and his hygiene . I can’t see myself spending any more time in his presence.
Since then, he has hinted, through Facebook correspondence, at getting together again. I wouldn’t mind a friendship, but how can I let him know why I don’t want to spend time with him? I don’t want to hurt his feelings. It sounds like you might have some conflicting impulses with regard to this person, which is fine.
You write that you enjoyed your time and wouldn’t mind a friendship. But you also write that you can’t see yourself spending more time in his presence. These are both reasonable feelings — you’re entitled to your opinion. But it leads me to believe this just isn’t a match for you right now.
Now, if you were interested in developing a friendship, you could certainly express what you’d like to change for it to happen, i.e., suggesting that you not go out to eat because you prefer not to see people talking with food in their mouths. It would also be appropriate in this conversation to set an expectation about what kind of relationship you’re looking for, i.e., friendship and nothing romantic. It’s never too late to define the boundary.
The things you found objectionable about him are relatively minor and can be worked around or adjusted. That’s part of what friendship entails: meeting each other in the middle. If you do think it’s worth pursuing, be upfront and kind. But if you don’t want to pursue it, you don’t have to go into detail.
Just saying you appreciate his time but it’s not a match is fine.
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