You don’t deserve to get hurt, over and over again
I need your advice because no one in my life can relate to me, not even my own brother. While I have struggled with this since I was a child, there are milestones coming up in my life that will be exacerbating this problem very soon. The problem is, my parents don’t love me. It’s hard to describe the unique pain that I feel about this, but it’s a very deep hollow sadness that makes me feel worthless, unlovable, and like I’m nothing. I just feel like I’m nothing at all.
We are about to go through this disappointing cycle again right now. I’m finishing up graduate school and will be receiving my master’s in science with the highest honors this December from a very well-known university. I would love for my parents to attend the commencement, but I can already tell they’re not the least bit interested. I’ve asked them and sent the details on two different occasions, but thanks to the iPhone’s read receipts, I know for a fact that they’re ignoring me.
If I had to guess, I’d say your mother qualifies as narcissistic or borderline. I’m throwing out possible diagnoses not because I want to sound like an expert but because I want you to take your mother’s callous behavior seriously, so that you’ll understand at a deeper level that this isn’t about love. I simply want you to take your mother’s bizarre reactions seriously and understand at a deeper level that this isn’t about love.
But listen to me: You can’t change her. She is a stove. The stove will burn you. You have to keep your hand off the stove. Here’s how you avoid getting burned: You stop looking for affirmation, offering up tidbits from your life to your parents, hoping that they’ll approve. You stop wishing for more love from them. You stop longing for a time when your very disappointing mother will transform into the mother of your dreams. I understand why this is your fantasy. This fantasy may have kept you alive when you were younger.
Either way, once you recognize this pattern of Looking for Love/ Reassurance → Feeling Lonely/Rejected, you can avoid it. You learn to turn to yourself for reassurance, and you learn to trust your own instincts. This means that soon, you’ll no longer be obsessed with convincing other people that You’re not nothing, even though you FEEL like nothing and You’re not crazy, even though your mom makes you crazy and Your mom doesn’t love you and it’s truly not your fault.
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