This letter writer thought they had made progress setting boundaries with their parents.
My mother and I went through therapy to work on our relationship, and now I set boundaries and ask that these boundaries be respected. We offered to host my parents for five days on their most recent visit, as any more time with them would be hard on us. After the visit, which went well, my mom asked why they were allowed to stay for only five days. She said they would have liked to stay longer.
Her weapons of choice are subtle manipulations, perhaps also throwing in a bit of sadness in order to press her case. This is her way to get her needs met, and because it has worked in the past, she has reason to believe it will work now. She has opened the door for a refresher course in abiding with reasonable boundaries.
You could say, “Your visit went really well for all of us, and I credit our therapy for helping both of us to create and respect boundaries. Thank you for that, Mom.” I have not suggested diving into an extended conversation about her wants or needs because, like a good door-to-door salesperson, once she gets her foot in the door, she will wedge it open.This is your house, your family and your life.
We were both young and foolish, but I admit I caused him a far greater hurt. These were not physical, financial or social hurts, but emotional. Time passed and we went our separate ways. Years later we discovered we had both retired and settled in the same city. A deep and loving friendship materialized over time as we rekindled old memories and friends. I agonized over if and how I should confess to what I had done.
Your rumination and focus on your own behavior detracts from honoring this long friendship. A therapist could help you to work this through.
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