Mom is shocked by the idea that helping others could be seen as selfish.
Recently, one of my children told me that, because I derive happiness from helping others, I am really selfish and that my actions are no more laudable than those of people who pursue happiness through other selfish means.“Selfish” is probably the most pejorative word to describe your tendency to rescue people, but your child is obviously trying to make a point.
You are behaving in a way that satisfies your own needs, but on the selfish scale, I’d put your behavior way ahead of, say, someone who ignores the desperate cries of others. Those who need rescuing are no doubt grateful for your so-called selfishness, but a true “rescuer” derives her sense of self through rescuing others.
When one of your children lobs a little bomb like this over the fence, the challenging and more mature reaction is to see it as an opportunity to hear them out. So you might respond: “Hmm, that’s pretty shocking. I don’t see myself as selfish, but it sounds as if you’re trying to tell me about how my tendency to help other people affects you. Maybe you can rescue me from this uncertainty by expanding on your thoughts.
If this is a group of the same people meeting regularly, your various members should catch on. And, of course, when you host, you should survey members to make sure you are able to accommodate any food restrictions they might have.I really like reading your column, because some of the letters describing a writer’s problems refer to me and are similar to my own. I can apply the advice you offer to them to my own life.
So to all you readers out there in the world: You’re not the only one going through some rough times. I can relate.I appreciate your take on the beauty and utility of these Q&As, where people generously share their vulnerabilities for the benefit of others.
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