PEORIA, IL—Citing the increased visibility of gay athletes, politicians, and officials, area teen and homosexual Alex Zaragoza, 15, told reporters today that he is worried about running out of opportunities to become the first openly gay member of any professional field or social group.
“At this point I’ve narrowed my options down to foosball player, driving instructor, and actuary,” Zaragoza said, explaining that he was shocked to find that most Google searches beginning with the words “first openly gay” already have an occupation attached to them. “Openly gay alderman, CFO, actor, board member on West Point’s board of visitors. All of them filled.
“It’s actually pretty goddamn frustrating,” he continued. “I can’t even be the first openly gay man to summit mount Everest. Thanks, Cason Crane.”Zaragoza told reporters that he had hoped to become the first openly gay primetime news anchor but then “Rachel Maddow snatched that one up.” He also had his sights set on being the first openly gay male country singer, president of the Directors Guild of America, and in a fit of desperation, the first openly gay international cricketer.
Wondering if it’s too much to ask, Zaragoza said that all he really wants to do is pioneer acceptance for homosexuality in a relatively notable field.“I feel like I was born too late. Christ, even if I moved to Iceland and wanted to be the first openly gay prime minister there, Jóhanna Sigurðardóttir would say, ‘Sorry, Alex, I broke down those boundaries four years ago and already served as an inspiration to millions,’” he said, adding that “want to be an inspiration to millions.
“What’s left, for God’s sake?” he continued. “First openly gay plumber? Would that even be a big deal?”At press time, North Carolina plumber Tom Fletcher had just come out to his coworkers.
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